原来我终究还是一个人

Sunday, April 24, 2011

after thinking & crying for the whole night...

i've decided to just bring the watch to you and give it to you..

wanted to give you on the day itself.

but then..

the day won't be coming anymore..

i plucked up the courage to write whatever that is in my heart to you.

when i reached that place,
i was like....
shivering.
i dun know y either..
i'm nervous..
too nervous i guess.
went to a corner and wait..
and den he walked past..
i snapped up that sec and waited for him to come back out.
and he did shortly after..
at that moment,
i really dunno how to react..
i just passed it to him and den said bye.
he took it,
and it was almost like he smiled.
but i'm not sure.
didn't really dare to look up at him.
when he went in..
i almost run up to hug him..
but.....
ended up walking back.
my hands felt so cold...
and then i went straight to work..
i really miss mummy alot....
i called her in the morning when i cool down a little and stopped crying..
but when the moment i hear her voice,
i started crying again..
i told her what happened..
and she comfort me..
even call me after my work to see if i was ok..
i really miss her a lot..
when will she come back from thailand?
and i really miss you..
a lot..
everything i do,
everywhere i go,
everything i see,
reminds me of you.
;-(

i died.
1:18 PM

Saturday, April 23, 2011

I see your face in my mind as I drive away,
Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way.
People are people,
And sometimes we change our minds.
But its killing me to see you go after all this time.

Mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm
Mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm

Music starts playin like the end of a sad movie,
Its the kinda ending you dont really wanna see.
Cause its tragedy and itll only bring you down,
Now I dont know what to be without you around.

And we know its never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, noone here to save me.
Youre the only thing I know like the back of my hand,
And I cant,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to.

Never wanted this, never wanna see you hurt.
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve.
But people are people,
And sometimes it doesnt work out,
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out.

And we know its never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, no one here to save me.
Youre the only thing I know like the back of my hand,
And I cant,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to.

Its two a.m.
Feelin' like I just lost my life(my love).
Hope you know its not easy,
Easy for me.
Its two a.m.
Feelin like I just lost my life(my love).
Hope you know this aint easy,
Easy for me.

And we know its never simple,
Never easy.
Never a clean break, noone here to save me.

Ohhh

I cant,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to,
Breathe,
Without you,
But I have to.

Sorry (oh) Sorry (mmm)
Sorry (eh eh) Sorry (mmm)
Sorry (eh eh) Sorry (mmm)
Sorry
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~

it's really time to say goodbye this time..

it could have been our forth month in two weeks time.

i have been waiting for that day to come.

but now its like there is nth for me to look forward to.

stupid girl.

why do u keep looking at your phone?

stop cheating yourself..

stop waiting for messages that will no longer pop up.

it's over..

you have to let go..

only by letting go of him,

then he will find his true happiness.

if you don't let go,

u will only make it worse for him and yourself.

everyday i'm only been waiting for that one day..

but now,

there is nth to look forward to..

as for the trip back to thailand..
you don't have to cancel it..
you can always go alone..
like how you wonder about just few days back..
there's nth to be afraid of..
don't be afraid to slp alone in the hotel..
you still have pillows..
nth has changed!
wake up!
just go back to how u live before this started.
aren't you best at this?
aren't you already used to it already?
yes..
something you said is true..
love isn't everything..
but you are part of me..
i will still be here if you need me..
我对你的愛是不能被切割的。
愛的中间是个心;
如果心被切割了,人也就死了.
to cut you off is just like cutting off my heart.
baby..
i no longer have the right to cal you that anymore..
i will never be able to hug u tight in my arms anymore.
i will never be able to lie on your chest and hear your heartbeat anymore.
i will never be able to kiss and touch you anymore.
i will never be able to look at you when you sleep beside me anymore.
cox you will never sleep beside me anymore.
i will never be able to cook for you and watch you eat like a xiao hai zi and laugh at how cute and naive you look anymore.
i will never be able to feel you touch or scratch me anymore.
i will never have to wipe my hands anymore..
cox there won't be anyone to 'lick' my hand.
i will never be able to receive a message saying that you miss me.
and now,
every time i see our time..
there won't be any meaning to it anymore.
you are not him,
you will never turn to become like him..
you are one of a kind,
the one and only that cannot be replaced in my heart.
no one can ever replace you.
you might feel that i'm not as happy as i should be when i met you.
but truth is..
i am very very very very very happy.
i may not smile to you like how i smile to the others.
thats cox i still miss you even when you are right beside me.
i'm not very good at expressions..
i often show the opposite way of how i'm really feeling..
please take good care of yourself..
i really need you to be safe and sound.
and please be happy..
becox my mood revolves around you.
I Love You baby.

i died.
3:19 AM

i died.
1:21 AM

i'm sorry baby..

for hurting you..

for everything..

the way i talk misled you..

i guess even explaining to you doesn't help anymore.

i can only say that i really love you alot..

i really do..

i really hope after talking this out and we can start afresh..

i'm still hoping to spent every min and every sec with you back in thailand.

i really do.

i died.
12:23 AM

Friday, April 22, 2011

yeah...

i knew long ago that things has changed..

situation changes and so does ppl..

becox we always change with the situation..

3 months and two weeks..

we hav come this far with lots of happy and sad moments.

there will be doubts and uncertainty of feelings..

so do i..

but when i'm sure of my feelings towards you,

you no longer feel the same..

i didn't expect this to happen so fast..

we haven really spend time tgt due to work and etc.

i haven really got to know you yet.

always,

everyday all i was waiting for is your msges showing me that you are around and feeling you here.

and then i would always be waiting for sunday to come..

its the only time that i got to spend time with you.

even just for a few hours.

its nv enough for me..

never enough hugging you..

never enough looking at you.

maybe i don't know you enough..

but am i given a chance?

we hardly even talk..

but i will sure know it when you r moody or when there is something wrong.

you will become cold all of a sudden..

do you know how much it hurts?

to always get only replies that i don't even know how to ans,

your replies will only be LOL or yup..

i really don't know how to talk to you..

looking back at all the msgs that we once had,

its like a total different person.

back then,

you will be smiling at almost all of my messages.

and then every now and then,

you will say you miss me..

i still remember all the things that you ever said that moved me..

that i hav no barrier against you.

that i wanted to rely on you.

one that i will never forget is that,

you said..

i may look very strong on the outside but deep down i'm fragile and i also yearn for someone to love me.

then you said that you hav the urge to protect me.

at that moment,

i know I've already fallen in...

and every time you hugged me,

i wished that you will never let go of me.

sometimes i don't understand why..

why when everything was fine and you will start to think a lot.

whether we are really suited for each other,

whether we are happy together.

i really dun care whether we hav different characteristics..

i'm not having a mirror for my bf..

i feel happiness being with you..

and that i do love you..

thats all i care about.

maybe..

you don't love me anymore..

i don't know..

you said you still have feelings for me..

but i can see that its definitely not love.

and it won't be the same anymore.

we had our first valentine's day together..

we spent our first month together..

the other two months we can't even see each other.

but its not both our fault.

how will our forth month be like?

or we won't even last till our forth month?

how will my this year's birthday be like?

will you be singing birthday song to me?

or will i be singing 'happy birthday to me' again,

alone in kbox..

you said maybe you are not good for me..

or is it that i'm not good enough for you?

it hurts to keep getting the same thing from you..

how very straightforward you are.

when i just joked around with you about you thinking that i cheated on you.

you said that you will just leave me and won't look back

or listen to any explanation..

and even said 'don't worry'..

that was really harsh..

and that was when i know that you don't really love me..

i asked you why..

all i got from you was..

'' i don't know ''

i really don't need you to promise me anything

or give me anything in return..

all i asked for is the love that is truly from your heart when you did love me..

and just not think about all those things.

you said you can't promise me forever,

but you will treasure every single sec with me..

but..

did you?

if you did,

why would you think of whether we are really suited for each other..

how much tears that i've shed..

is nth compared to the pain in my heart..

but you never know..

and ofcox..

i will never let you know..

i'll still be that strong girl..

that strong girl that you know who is fragile inside..

but how fragile?

i know myself.

guess i'm still back to square one..

and guess you'll still turn into another joevin..

but that's what i've already known from the start.

i died.
12:29 AM

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

i really dunno what the hell i've been thinking these few days..
i think i'm like crazy or something..
should i say that its just my luck?
first..
i've let baby down.
and then there is the incident where i have to call the police..
and the next day was worse..
early in the morning..
standard..
singaporeans..
i almost scream and shout at them...
& lawrance with his crow mouth..
he said i was having pms..
nxt few hours,
i realized that i'm having menses..
but holy crap..
i didn't bring my 'bread'..
good thing that i met a friend who has it.
then the next morning,
i have to wake up like damn early,
Qing Ming Festival...
talked to cousin jing hui alot..
its his first time there.
even though he's the oldest of us all..
and then went to granny's place..
its no doubt the simplest and most relaxing place.
a place that i loved.
if only it was still that old 5-room flat..
all my childhood memories are there.
but i was happy with my granny..
she cooked my fav soup of all times...
i left at abt 7pm..
didn't know how i went home..
but i took bus..
and it took me 2 hours...
my mind was blank...
thinking mostly about him..
don't know what i'm thinking about too.
guess i was having pms..
and then today...
my menses hurt so badly that i can't go for production..
=/
but all i thought was what was on his mind..
what can i do to appease him..
i really dunno...
den i decided to just go over to his workplace and just pass it to him..
and see how it goes..
walked alot today..
from clarke quay to chinatown and back to clarke quay again..
and took a cab to magazine rd..
saw chee peng,
so i passed it to him..
doubt he wants to see me too..
walked one big round back to clarke quay again..
almost fainted on the way..
haha..
but good thing i didn't.
since i've got no where to go..
so i decided to just walk around..
walking from clarke quay to raffles,
and from raffles to esplanade,
and from esplanade to marina square,
and then decided to just walk around at marina..
time seems to pass very fast..
and then went to cityhall to take a train home...
regret...
now my foot hurt...
=/
good thing that everything is ok now..

i died.
10:59 PM