Wednesday, June 30, 2010
its been so long...
3 months plus since i saw him..
went out with jac at about 3 plus.
and went to orchard first to see how my work place will be.
passed by a few shops and spent again.
but once in awhile..
its ok to be spending a little.
maybe its not a little.
but its worth it somehow.
saw yok san today.
and chat a little.
after orchard,
we took a cab down to clarke quay for dinner.
at Ricciotti..
the place where den and joe is doing their internship at.
me and jac was like walking around the whole clarke quay just to look for it.
and its no where to be seen.
i almost gave up.
but then again..
since i'm here.
so i asked around and called quite a few people.
but i finally asked joe instead.
as in messaged him.
and like FINALLY!!!
we found the place.
and i saw his back view again.
been so so so long...
i was delighted.
and we went in to eat.
i ordered lasagna and one of the panini's.
so coincident.
both done by denley.
i was like.
er..
should have ordered the pasta.
because it's done by him. =)
spent about 50 dollars there for a dinner.
expensive for only 2 dishes.
but its alright.
worth it too.
after the dinner,
we went to the riverside to have a stick.
and then he came out.
standing at a distance that my visions is blur when i don't have my specs on.
but i could make it out that it was him.
and then i looked away and talked to jac.
a few seconds later,
he called..
hahaha.
and i picked up.
he asked me ' 你没有看到我嚒？'
i was like...
in my heart, ' YES! YES! YES! I SAW U!!'
but i tried to act, and look around like i didn't see him..
its not exactly that i was acting that i didn't see him.
i knew it was him.
but the visions are blurred.
and i told him to wave at me.
but then he started to walk towards us.
and stop at a fair distance.
we talked a bit.
and then den came out.
and i was like smiling..
and walked towards him.
i was really embarrassed..
den keeps pointing at him and towing me towards him somehow.
but i was shy.
*blushing*
after awhile he went in.
and so did den.
so i stand outside of the window to wave him goodbye.
and so did he..
smiling the smile that i loved and waving me goodbye.
the funny thing is that his chef waved goodbye to me too.
so i waved back.
haha.
i could smile for the whole day.
now that i saw him.
it can last me for another 3 months or so..
he's still the same.
just that maybe he dyed his hair.
skin tone is a bit darker.
and he gained weight a little.
but better.
not so skinny like the last time i saw him.
i'm just happy to see him.
the only 2 regrets today,
first,
is that i did not really go up to him, give him a hug and say i miss him.
and the other most regretful thing that occurred today,
is that i was supposed to meet sis for dinner at 8..
at around 5 plus,
since i'm still in town and just reached,
i thought that maybe the 3 of us could have dinner together at his intern place.
it would be nice to have both my close friends to be eating together with me sitting on the same table.
but maybe i was wrong.
i can't have it both ways.
i can't really balance it.
maybe it is true that one cannot have anything in both ways.
its either this way,
or the other,
vice versa.
maybe i was too naive.
but i was right though..
happiness is not an option for me..
because unhappiness always comes in the way.
seeing through many things.
sometimes everything is fated.
and people come and go.
all i can do and i will do is to accept it.
maybe being hurt for too many times has let me grow more mature.
no matter what happens..
friends won't always be there.
neither will our bf / gf.
the only ones that will be there,
will be our family members.
and we have only ourselves to count on.
in this world,
no one really understands you clearly..
the only one is you yourself.
people you thought understands you,
is because they guessed..
not because they truly understands you.
i believed that.
i died. 12:15 AM
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
3 months & 2 days.
like huray!!!
its my off day..
and everything kinda went smoothly for me today.
went to meet chris for breakfast...
everything was great.
the only thing that pisses me off..
is that my period is coming.. and at a very wrong timing.
i was like..
grr..
no swimming again.
haha.
commented on his status..
and he replied.
i was kinda half way to the moon.
and i laughed as well.
because he said that he hates to run..
and then i was so sarcastic.
i tell him ' don't run.. JOG!'
hahaha.
and he says that he hate to even walk..
and i was like...
ok...
i'll buy him an armchair.
hahaha..
he was like..
' i want it with a remote control..'
i'm like laughing.
and i said NO!!
exercise his arm..
thats why its called an armchair.
haha.
and he insist that he wants it with a remote control..
and i wish i had said that he don't need a remote control when someone is actually willing to push him around.
which obviously is me.
but somehow or rather..
i dare not.
i'm just a coward with him around.
and tomorrow is my off day...
meeting jac...
and i planned to go visit him..
and taste his cooking.
haa!
hopefully i get to try..
=D
and then later in the evening..
i'm planning to find audrey.
for dinner..
haa.
a surprise...
been a long time since i saw her.
i'm missing so much after i started my internship.
and then i thought..
when u gain something in life..
u'll definitely lose something.
life won't be perfect..
neither will someone be perfect.
and something that is so true.
nothing is perfect..
not even close to perfect.
just...
my mom and dad was like quarreling over some little matter.
my mom came home..
and then go out again.
my dad saw her boarding a cab.
and started to think that my mom was like playing outside.
and get all upset and flare.
when my mom came back in less than half an hour..
my dad was like questioning her..
in a tone that i didn't like it as well.
me and my sister was like...
'we only heard the tv..'
its like..
idk..
and she start to tel me to look after my sisters when she's not around..
haix.
when will this end?
although i know that sooner or later..
they will separate.
and this family that i wished it would be perfect,
will have cracks..
scars will be left behind.
i know how my mom felt.
i feel for her.
but at the same time.
i love my dad and my grandmother and all..
i can only say that the problems are created by the last generation..
and this new generation that i'm in..
has nothing to do with the problems..
but we are the innocent ones..
and when i come to realize that i'm actually one of the victims..
i don't deny that i hated my family.
how they treated my mom..
how they treated me.
i don't need them to dote on me.
but i also don't wish to be tortured.
haix.
and now all i hear is the sounds of their quarrels.
every time.
whenever they start to talk..
it will start.
if i had 3 wishes..
i would wish for a happy and loving family as the first.
something i longed for..
but i can't get.
its just to hard to find love.
whatever love it is...
family..
bgr...
or friends.
faults will be found..
wish to have a stick now.
but i know i cant.
what an off day i have..
the first is to hear all those nasty things.
and see it.
maybe..
when they separate..
we'll all be happier..
true happiness will be found.
sometimes..
being alone is better.
being happy even for a day is not an option for me..
eventually..
it will turn bad..
everything will start to change.
if i want to have a smooth life..
i'll have to live through it without happiness.
then,
i won't have unhappiness as well.
i'll be living like a zombie..
no feelings.
nothing.
i'd trade for it.
i died. 1:41 AM
Friday, June 25, 2010
2 months, 3 weeks & 5 days.
quite happening today.
went to work..
and i was quite fresh..
maybe i had my fill of sleep the day before..
i'll be staying in vivo on monday to thursday.
and the rest,
i'll be at orchard.
daddy says that this way,
i won't 'die' in vivo.
and partly the reason..
is that he don't have to see me.
=/
and i'll be taught by daddy from next week onwards.
stressed..
i'll have to buck up again.
sometimes..
i really think that i'm not up for this job.
maybe i'm really better at doing little handy craft things.
and singing, dancing.
but i love cooking as well.
i really don't know.
i'll just try my best..
maybe daddy is right..
find a good husband and get married.
but its not the life i wanted.
haix...
what to do?!
life goes on...
and the funniest part about today..
is that i have to change my shirt and work on the floor in the evening.
as a service staff.
haa.
like funny.
i died. 12:44 AM
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
2 months, 3 weeks, & 2 days.
been so tired and stressed lately.
my head almost split into a few on monday.
thought too much and worried too much..
that my mi-grain reacted and felt nauseas.
all of a sudden..
everything just come to me.
i don't know if i could take it.
a good thing that i finally can get a good rest tomorrow.
saw your blog and your facebook.
seems like you are getting a life with your girlfriend.
guess that she will treat you well and won't let you get hurt.
hope that she will really protect you.
and saw that you went out and patched back with jw.
i guess your life is back.
so i'll just leave you here.
maybe i'm really not a good sister.
but i wish you the best.
i won't be able to really be with you..
all i can is to keep it in my heart.
cox of my work.
guess that my job just pulls me out of my life.
and pulls me out from the world.
that i'll be alone.
and won't have time with my friends.
you made a right decision though.
which is to leave me.
that way..
you won't get hurt.
you will still live your life.
you still get your happiness.
and i'll still be the same old me.
and i guess no one truly knows me...
what i am?!
what i want to achieve?!
what i love?!
my hobby?!
my favorite food, drinks?!
my favorite hang out place?!
what i am really thinking?!
what i need?!
no one realize..
its just left with
me, myself and I..
i'll face all that alone..
to be stronger.
i died. 1:11 AM
Saturday, June 19, 2010
2 months, 2 weeks & 5 days.
how long have i been keeping track of this..
how much longer do i have to keep track of this?!
this 2 days haven been good for me.
1st..
i failed my test..
2nd..
work have not been smooth for me.
getting more and more stressed..
i don't know if i could be able to hold on to this stress any longer.
but a part of me is trying so hard.
so hard to want to improve myself.
and prove to people around me that i can make it.
but another part of me is giving up.
giving up being strong.
i might look strong on the outside.
too often that i stand strong alone to face all that.
too often that i always appear to be the protector of my girl friends.
too often that i showed that somethings that guys can do,
girls can do it too.
and too often that i tried to hold everything on my shoulders..
that i'm like a guy.
but deep down..
i'm tired.
i'm still only a girl.
a weakling.
stupid & slow.
good for nothing.
for so many times.
i wish that i could have someone i love to lean on.
to feel the love.
to feel that i'm not alone.
to feel that i'm just like any other normal girls.
walking on the street and hanky panky with their boyfriends.
but all these are just wishful thoughts.
thoughts that will never fulfill.
in the kitchen,
as the only girl..
i was well treated.
but still.
high hopes was bestowed on me.
i have to be fast & accurate.
i have to remember recipes.
remember the tastes.
know how to fluctuate the tastes of different things.
but i'm slow in nature.
i'm forgetful.
though i tried very hard in the mind.
still i cant remember.
and was thought that my mind was clouded with him.
yes.
a part of my mind is..
but its was at the back of my mind.
didn't really think much about him when i'm doing my thing.
i'm just..
slow..
i wished i was that fast.
and i was that good enough.
but my brain doesn't work that way.
guess it really doesn't work.
it might as well be a brain dead.
that way..
i would just lie on the bed forever.
in the afternoon,
i messaged him..
he was at his grandma's place.
we chat for awhile.
and i somehow 诉苦 to him.
and he comforted me.
for a moment.
i felt that i wasn't alone.
that i was leaning against him.
that he was there for me.
but then it vanished.
just like that.
and back to square 1.
i wasn't that delighted like before.
when we chat.
guess i'm just stressed.
looking at daddy's face.
and he too was tired.
of teaching me.
he was 'pek cek'
and that split second,
i really do feel like giving up.
to save all that torture.
to him and to me.
but then..
i wanted to strive for it.
i wanted to be good enough.
to be good enough in the kitchen.
to be good enough for him.
to be good enough that i can survive on my own.
but i feel that i can't make it.
i'm just another stupid and stubborn good for nothing.
no look,
no figure,
no skill,
no money,
not lady like,
and a girl that wasn't good enough for anyone that she loves.
a fragment piece from a broken glass.
that doesn't belong.
i died. 12:06 AM
Thursday, June 17, 2010
2 months, 2 weeks & 4 days.
haven got a wink until now.
like wtf.
went to the school to do my referal.
and haleluya~~
i screw up everything.
i was like. wtf!
and there goes another 300.
i seriously wish to quit shatec.
but come to think of it.
i've paid so much money..
i have to at least get the cert..
i can't really believe that i failed too.
guess i'm just too tired.
and also,
its been a long while since i even make a consomme.
then after the test,
i went straight to work with a heavy heart and head.
the funny part is that i went to work,
time in & then time out again to go for break with daddy.
haa!
went over to harry's...
and had a game with daddy.
somehow..
my pool improved alot.
and even at night after work...
can't believe that i can beat daddy..
not really beat.
i don't know how to say.
but i somehow won..
the only happy thing that has happened today is maybe that my skills have improved.
the worst part is that daddy knows about my failure..
and then i got shoot for the whole day.
ok!
stop it...
its over!!!
don't make me think about it anymore.
it bothers me.
alot.
haix.
i got the punishment.
god let me have a great day for once.
and then make it hell after the desert.
i thought its only the beginning of a new good start..
but turned out that its the opposite.
its the beginning of hell.
and today..
a new guy from shatec joined us..
and i have got to really buck up.
because he is fast.
if he surpasses me in a short period of time..
means i'm gone case.
so much stress.
so tired.
so much things on my shoulder..
i wonder if i could still juggle it without falling.
but for now..
i will try.
at least for so long,
i got to hear your voice..
and knowing that you did not avoid me.
and i miss you more each day.
i died. 1:24 AM
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
2 months, 2 weeks, & 3days.
today, no doubt was some what the happiest day this year..
first..
i panic..
haven paid for the jap IS and i don't really intend to retake.
its just a waste of my time..
its not really even relevant to what i'm studying for.
and they expect us to pay $200 for it..
and the best part is...
i don't even know what the FUCK we are cooking.
giving us just the name of the dish w/o any recipe.
GREAT!
and then...
nvm...
went to ask around..
damn happy.
hahahaha.
msged him and asked him since i couldn't contact den.
and then he called.
i was like.
OMG!!!
and we talked for about 4 mins and 9 secs.
even though there is nothing much.
but i was already over the moon..
so i went to work with a great mood.
smiling for the whole day...
and everything went so smoothly for me.
then after work...
wah...
went to celebrate ding wei's birthday at tiong barhu's '天天海鲜'
from the moment i step out of white dog cafe....
been laughing non stop!!
all thanks to shaun and ah ken...
all the way till 2 am...
imagine how long was that..
people thought i was crazy.
laughing and crying at the same time.
and then ...
when i got home.
and check mail...
CAO HIGH...
msg received on the 15 june that i have a test on the 16th june.
i was like..
stunned....
omg.
i think i wont have the time to sleep le...
wish me LUCK!!!!
i died. 3:04 AM
Sunday, June 13, 2010
2 months & 2 weeks...
couldn't sleep well yesterday..
slept at around 2 plus and woke up at 8 plus.
went to work..
headache...
tired..
went to work at 12 and went home at 7..
great.
gotta rest!!!!
sleep the whole day!!
haix.
i really miss him alot.
more than i thought i would have.
=/
i died. 8:31 PM
Friday, June 11, 2010
2 months a week and 5 days.
i cant deny that time really flies.
its like its just in a flash..
a month before..
i'm just 17..
waiting to turn into a woman..
and then suddenly..
i'm 18..
how fast can that be?!
and sometimes i really can't believe that i'm that so faithful..
haix.
till now..
i still got the blue for u..
every now and then..
laopa will tel me to find a guy and get married..
or he will tel shaun to find me a guy..
-.-
i was like..
wth...
thats just because he doesn't want me to bother him..
but i'll still stick to him like a super glue..
haa!
i feel like i've known him for a very long time.
maybe its because i somehow see joe in him..
i really miss him a lot..
kept thinking about him today.
i don't know why.
part of me is telling me not to think about him anymore..
but part of me is still missing him and thinking about him.
wondering if he is feeling better.
and if he replied my facebook comment.
somehow.
i half guessed that he would just ignore it.
or rather 99% confirmed that he won't reply.
but still. that 1% is hoping that he would at least reply a 'hmm, haa.'
oh well.
he did reply.
and i'm delighted.
everyone keep telling me..
that me and him is no chance.
and a wishful thinking.
deep in my heart.
i know that.
but.
i still love him.
tried a lot of ways.
even thought of just finding any guy who is not bad and treats me well.
but i just can't bring myself to do that.
to betray & cheat myself.
to hurt the guy.
been listening to a song by westlife;
If I Let You Go
just almost like what i had in mind..
if i let him go..
i will never know what my life could be holding him close to me.
haix.
i feel like crying just now..
from morning.
haven had any appetite.
or energy.
just...
well.
i'm not torturing myself.
its just me.
i really miss him a lot.
tired.
i died. 12:37 AM
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
2 months a week and 2 days.
it still seemed like yesterday.
i felt so tired.
didn't really get a good rest even on my off day.
woke up early..
and went to telok blangah cres to see doc..
and guess what..
i got 6 jabs on my leg..
it bleeds and somehow..
looked like it was purple..
i almost cried..
but it wasn't that bad after all.
and then i headed to white dog to see if lao pa was there.
but then he went over to orchard!!
grr.
never mind.
haha.
and then went to shop a while with dad.
and haa.
he bought me a few ear rings and also...
a star necklace!!!
haha.
actually...
i wanted it..
so i asked for it.
haha.
opps.
but i was happy.
and then we went over to visit my granny.
had dinner there...
she slimmed down a lot.
and it just hurts me to see that her thin, boned arm is tinted with bruises left from the hospital stay.
i'll visit her whenever i can..
so that i won't leave any regrets..
for almost the whole day..
it seems like he won't get out of my mind.
den told me he went off for reservist for a week.
i sure hope that he won't get too tired...
and hope that he gets enough rest..
and also get his meals..
hope that he won't slim down any more.
i died. 12:35 AM
Monday, June 7, 2010
i almost forgot how long it has been..
when i started to count the days that i'ved missed you.
its been about 2 months a week and a day.
i thought i would just meet someone new and just forget about you.
i thought i would just get over you when i didn't get to see you.
i thought things will just go back to where it started when we didn't contact.
but..
i missed you even more than ever.
everyday.
almost every second.
even after i changed my phone's wallpaper & tried to ignore your profile.
my heart still goes on..
for you.
had been dreaming about you for the past few weeks.
and then the dreams stopped bothering me for a while.
but out of a sudden..
i dreamt of you again the day before.
so real again.
i was somehow with my family.
and there..
you stood..
motionless..
looking at me..
& smiling the smile that i loved at me.
and then you walk towards me..
i wasn't really sure what my dream is about.
forgot most of it already.
but somehow.
i remembered that you were with me all along.
accompanying me.
to wherever i wanna go in your car.
i felt blessed.
that i felt love.
maybe a reason why i cant forget you.
is because there are your shadows around me.
or rather..
i thought someone i knew resembles you.
his pattern and all.
and the way he like to stand and tilt his butt to one side.
my lao pa....
haha.
it's almost the same..
his posture.
just that the way they talk and all is different.
but i could see his shadow on lao pa.
maybe it's because i thought too much..
that i started to hallucinate.
i was wondering..
will i ever see you again?!
will we talk and 'play' like how we used to be?!
or will we behave like strangers and get awkward all the way?!
or will you just ignore me and walk away?!
or rather..
you would just take it that i'm invisible.
how will i feel about you by then?
but one thing for sure..
i'ved loved you..
for as long as i could remember you.
i died. 2:27 AM
