原来我终究还是一个人

Friday, February 26, 2010

the moment i received mom's call,

i knew something bad will happen..

its only been 2 days since mom went over to take care of grandpa.

things happened so fast.

so fast that i didnt noe how to react.

the last time i saw him,

he was still able to walk and talk..

and loves to go to de hospital so much tat when he reached,

he was smiling smugly.

we all didnt know y he loved de hospital so much.

until now.

it was sense of security.

de secured-ness tat he is safe and sound dere..

i realized how little things tat i did for him.

yesterday,

i rmb talkin on the phone with u..

i didnt noe wat to say then.

all i said was to tel u to get well soon,

and tat i missed u.

tats all.

how could i..

im such a unfilial granddaughter.

i should hav talked to u more.

how i wish i could hear u sing tat song tat u used to sing to me when i was young.

but now..

i cant anymore..

u were struggling to reply to us yesterday.

u were waiting just to get to hear our voices for the last time.

y didnt i figured tat out earlier?

y didn't i just blabber more stuff to u?

y didn't my sixth sense work until u r really gone?

i knew it.

i knew it happened when my tears just roll down my cheeks

uncontrollably when i was walkin to sch.

i couldnt stop thinking nor stop my tears.

and i thought it was just me..

it was just me scaring myself.

everything is not as bad as i was thinking.

den audrey told me.

something she said made me realize.

realize that he didnt wan to fight anymore.

he was struggling to reply..

to say goodbye.

for the last time.

he decides that its time to meet my grandma.

that its time to go.

my cousin was struggling to tel me that just now on msn.

saying that his eyes were dead.

saying that he is 'date'.

y didnt i figure that out?

until dad called..

and break de news to us.

i wanted so much to fly over..

to send him off.

but i cant.

we cant.

school, hard to get an air ticket at this time in de month.

i hate this.

i hate myself.

i hate my life.

fucked up life.

nth goes smoothly for me.

NOTHING!

every1 i loved..

leave me 1 by 1..

im such a jinx.

every promise that i made can nv be fulfilled..

i should just meet them in de netherland.

im not fit to be here.

i died.
9:28 PM

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

so tired today!!!

early in de mornin woke up to say goodbye to my mom and see her off b4 she left home..

omg.

i cant believe time passes so fast!

just a week b4 me and my mom were talkin abt her goin back and it seems so long..

but in just a flash, its time for her to go back..

im sure i'll miss her silly-ness.

after seein her off, i went back to bed..

idk y im just so tired..

and my eyes r not obeying me..

and when it was time to wake up..

i didn't really wake up..

im like so lazy..

haa.

and so sickenin..

i hav to wear formal!

GRR!!!

went to sch and did research for resort world in de library.

but well..

it didnt really help much. :/

and guess hu i met?!

i met jasmine. (wei zhen)

and we startin chattin.. haha.

she looked much better now tat her dressin has changed abit.

and den after all de classes,

me and chris wanted to use de com in de library.

but it was so crowded..

like wth.

its when i saw him and meet his gaze.

haa.

he was wearin green 2day. xp

it was abit hard for me to react.

so i was like.. look away and den went out with chris..

and den i set off to find sis..

haha.

and we started on our mission..

to clear her messy room and change de settings of it.

it was quite tiring but fun too..

took us abt 2 hrs.. and well..

we were very satisfied abt de outcome though.

haha.

and den we went to imm..

to get my stuff..

and went daiso to get some 'furnitures'.

and now,

im sittin infront of her lappy typin away. haha.

and she was doin my hair..

i felt like a tai tai..

haa.

opps.

haix... i miss him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i still had de image of him just now in de library. =/

i died.
9:05 PM

Monday, February 22, 2010

seriously.. did i owe it to u in my previous life?

and u r out to take revenge on me now.

i could hav just dun care abt anything tat u do or wat.

but..

u r my sister! real blood and flesh sister!

how could i just leave u like tat?!

and u r really gettin out of hand.

i really dunno how to teach u anymore.

im not askin u to be a nerd or wat..

im just askin tat u could tel me everything and listen to me when i tel u something.

its not tat hard rite?!

im just trying to protect u from goin astray.

but when will u noe tat i was doin all this for ur own good.

all u noe is just to giv me all those fuckin attitude.

i seriously feel like slappin u.

ARGH!

wad ever!

anw. 2day went over to chris's hse for project..

and we ended up watchin movie and usin fb and browsing through blogs..

but well. we did something at least.

haa.

we had dinner at her place..

we did de yu sheng and ate ichiban. sashimi!

i had de belly part of de salmon as well.

omg!

its heaven!!

sometimes i really envy chris..

she has de family tat i've always longed to hav.

lovin parents hu always cared for her.

i rmb dere is once her mom and dad came down and wanted to help her with her bag.

how i wish my parents will come down and fetch me specially.

but i noe..

tat wont happen.

and her bro.. hu will always care for her too.

and all the things tat i longed for.

how lucky she is.

and she dun hav to worry for her siblings or parents.

but well..

i hav to resign to fate.

its wat im born with.

i cant change de fact tat im born like this.

a freak i guess.

and its been like 2 days since i meet audrey.

I MISS U SIS!

its like we talk and msg everyday..

but it doesnt seemed to be enuf.

maybe im just too greedy for sister love.

haha.

and im bein quite mean today.

to him maybe.

idk y.

maybe im angry with him?

but i noe deep down tat i just loved him too much.

he said no 1 ever noes his inner self, not even himself.

and i said,

search for it den, or is it tat u dun wanna face urself.

i regretted somehow.

for being so..

mean..

maybe i WAS angry..

becox of wat u said.

i felt tat i could hav understood u if u let me.

but u just wont open de door for me.

i felt tat u r avoidin me somehow.

but i dun blame u.

becox i noe very well wat will happen if i confessed.

i was prepared for it.

but u noe. i will wait for u.

how long?

idk.

for as long as i love u?!

but..

will u even look back at me?

i died.
1:02 AM

Sunday, February 21, 2010

haix..

its been very long since i really saw him..

went to sch today but i missed him..

we were always just a wall away from each other..

but somehow..

its like we were not meant to meet..

maybe god is tryin to tel me tat he is not de 1..

but i seriously dun care..

i dun care if we will really last forever..

wat matters most is now..

not tat i say tat de future is not important..

我不在乎天长地久，只在乎曾经拥有

天下无不散之筵席，总有一天我们都会分开

we will part no matter wat..

but my heart will still be with u..

all i ask for is a chance.

a chance to embrace u in my arms,

a chance to tel u how much i love u.

a chance to kiss u goodnight,

a chance to wake up and de first person i see when i open my eyes is u..

but.. u seemed so near yet so far..

whenever i reach out to u..

its like u were just an arm's length away from me..

but its like i cant seemed to even touch u..

i longed to be with u all de time..

not wantin to even be a step away from u.

but i can only see u from far..

or just watch ur back..

yes..

its all i asked for now..

but maybe im greedy.. i wanted u..

i wanted to be with u..

i wanted to belong to u.

i've been so crazy these days..

not tat im sad or wat..

im just tryin to be me..

to be de peiying last time..

de cheerful and happy go lucky gal..

de gal hu nv fails to bring joy to her frens..

but its like..

...

i've been uncovered..

frens thinks tat im just trying to make myself happy.

m i?!

i really hav no idea..

i pluck up de courage to msg u..

and i waited..

and waited..

hours after hours.

every new msg i received make me jump with joy..

but when i see tat it wasn't u,

disappointment washed through me again..

till now..

i haven got any of ur msg.

y dun u just hurt me more?

like tel me in de face tat u hav no feelings for me.

instead of tellin me tat maybe its not de time to talk abt r/s

& tat frenship is a better solution.

do u noe wat it means?

it means tat maybe in de future i might stand a chance..

but..

do i?

i noe i should just forget abt u and move on..

but its easier said than done..

i wish some1 could just pull me out of this dark and nv ending pit

help me see the light..

& i wished it was u..

but i noe..

its not possible..

maybe not for now.

haix.

i died.
12:46 AM

Friday, February 19, 2010

I LOVE MY SIS AND HIM!

I MISS MY SIS AND HIM!!!!!!!!!!

idk y.. even though he show no interest in me,

idk y im still so in love with him..

i saw his fb newly added picture.. and i commented on it..

i said tat he looked fatherly..

well, he actually does look tat way though. not as in look..

but the feel.

and idk y.. maybe im just crazy..

a strong feelin washed through me.. i wanted to be a mom..

i wanted to have a child with him..

i think im really crazy..

OMG!

but if i really had de chance to go on with him..

i really hope it would last forever..

like marriage..

old fashioned huh! haha.

but im like tat.. very old fashioned mindset..

im livin in de twilight saga fantasy world.. haa. i wished to be bella.. and he's my edward..

which is highly impossible!

i just miss him alot. haix.

i died.
10:41 PM

things were fine yesterday and everything was great.. i always had a whole lot of fun spending time with u.. we laugh tgt, cry tgt, be evil tgt, dance tgt, go crazy tgt, and wanna slim down tgt.. we even wanna do business tgt and came up with diff kinds of themes.. i realised tat u were de only 1 tat i had so much fun with and didnt wanna go home. but after the long day, after i separated from u and went home, it was fine then and we were msgin each other abt the nxt day's plan. but out of a sudden, u turned cold towards me.. i sensed tat dere was something.. so i asked u wat happened. but u said nth. and den i thought back to wat i've said abt revenge on ur bf for u.. u noe i really didnt mean it though i would do it if u asked.. but u noe me.. i would nv do such a thing if it hurts my sister. i gave u my promise, and i will not break tat promise.. u said its not both of our faults, den tel me wat happened? do u hav any idea how much this bothers me.. i saw ur fb and blog, wat exactly did i do? can u give me an answer?! i dun wanna lose u without knowin y i lose u. u noe how much i can live without u?! i really really love u alot sis.. tel me wat to do so tat i wont lose u.. tel me which part of me tat u dun like.. i will change for de better. right now i'll just leave u alone first if u wan.. but i'll be waitin for ur call or msg. please please please dun leave me. i've nv beg some1 for tat b4.. u r de first. please.

i died.
9:21 AM

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

i was like so suay today.. yesterday went to mom's fren's place and won quite alot.. but i shared it with my sisters.. so its just like 20 each.. but it was fun though. and i drank quite alot of de 'mixer' and its like double.. with my mom. haha. but she cannot take double. =/ im a better drinker. haa. xp and den 2day was like.. suay lol. early in de mornin tat 1 come.. like wtf! cramps de whole day. wanna die liao. lol. den somemore gamble oso lose money. =/ haix. luck is not with me. not in money, nor love, not even health. sucks. wat a chinese new yr..

i died.
8:28 PM

Sunday, February 14, 2010

happy chinese new year & valentine's day to all.. hope every1 is happy with their frens/ family & their loved 1.. i had i fun night yesterday at sis's place.. went over at abt 1pm.. den we chat a little den went to collect de food at imm.. and also went to giant to get de ingredients for steamboat. haha. i had loads of fun.. and she actually tel me to confess to him like right away.. i was like.. omg! really? i noe she just cant stand it when i keep sayin i miss him.. so sis helped me to type out de msg to send. and i actually agreed to it. OMG! did i really just send tat msg?! i cant believe it. i cant believe tat i really told him. though he alrd knew tat i liked him.. but i've nv really tel him tat. i somehow regretted tellin him abt it though.. but im glad as well. at least i've made my stand clear.. he haven reply me or contact with den. im really worried.. is he sick? or he's busy? or he's out? or he just doesnt wanna reply and tok 2 den becox he helped me? haix. its like i cant stop thinkin abt him. did i make a wrong move? will he accept me? or rejection will come in my way?! haix. maybe vivian was right.. i should just forget abt it. talked to den just now. im really sorry. if he nv tok 2 u becox of me, i'll really feel guilty. sorry den. haix. my new yr and valentine's day is so ruined.

i died.
2:07 AM

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

haven been on9 lately.. didnt hav de time.. alot of things happened lately.. i didnt noe y.. but i hate de feelin.. last sunday, me, wafi and rose went to study at the cathay; starbucks. den me and rose accompany wafi for dinner.. but i didnt eat as i was plannin to meet god daddy for dinner.. but unfortunately, he couldnt make it.. so i was like disappointed.. :/ been so long since i met him.. but i will meet him soon! haha. den idk y.. i actually had d idea of callin him and meetin him for dinner.. and i just called w/o thinkin. stupid me.. but he didnt pick up.. i was like.. haix.. but den a few mins later, he called me back.. and i was like.. omg.. wat should i do now.. and i ans it.. and was speechless... den he said.. mm... and i was like.. huh?! haha. wat a stupid reply.. and he said i called him. so i was like.. ya!! haha. no la. wanted to ask u out for dinner.. but he just ate.. so i was like.. huh. tats sad. :/ abit sacarstic though. den he ask me hu i was with.. and i said rose. he was like laughin.. but didnt really laugh out.. i can imagine how his face will be like at tat moment.. and i smiled.. =] den i went to meet audrey.. i think im relyin on her more and more.. opps. sorry audrey.. i feel like i cant do w/o her alrd. and i feel de same for him too.. de day b4 yesterday i almost gone crazy.. i suddenly felt like seein him so badly when im in resort world.. i left my heart with him.. for de whole journey i wasnt interested in it at all.. nth dere is able to catch my attention.. de scenery, de restaurants and everything was great.. but to no avail, i wasnt interested.. my mind was loaded with him.. every single space was him.. or maybe some is shane and audrey. xp my heart kept racin non stop.. i wanted very much to see him.. like rite away.. den back in sch, we were preparin for de upcomin test.. but well.. i couldnt really concentrate fully. and i was really really really very stressed up.. idk y too. maybe tats y i made a hell of stupid careless mistake in my K.O test... and ended up in worryin for de test and went drinkin with nic they all.. idk y.. i cried really badly after i drank.. maybe de beer make me open up.. and cry out all those tat i have built within me.. esp when audrey call me.. i totally lost it.. cant hold it longer.. and when i reach home, after i bathe.. i vomited in my room.. de good thing was, i vomit on de floor and not de bed.. haa. and i cleared up quickly w/o my mom noein wat i vomit out.. phew.. but she noe abt me vomitin.. den 2day... i was forced to go to de doc.. but well.. i admit tat i was really sick.. and im glad to visit de doc.. haha. i got something too.. =] haa. and i went for dinner with my mom and sis at de market.. come to think of it.. its like so long since we got tgt and had dinner tgt.. but a pity tat my dad couldnt make it. :/ and a bad news is tat.. my grandpa is gettin weaker and weaker.. im really worried abt him.. i guess in abt a week or so, my mom will fly back to take care of him.. this might be de last chance.. i really hope tat i can go too.. but i cant.. due to my studies.. wat if he really couldnt make it?! i'll be damn guilty.. how m i goin to face my own conscience?! and i tot back to my grandma's funeral.. painful memories.. haix. i really hope tat he can pull through. and after i save enuf money, i'll fly back to visit him.. i noe that he misses me and my sisters the most..
haix. until now.. i still cant get him out of my mind.. wat a heart thief... stole my heart away and not returnin it back to me. how can u.. how can u make me love u so deeply and dun do anything abt it.. tel me.. should i confess to u?! should i tel u that i love u?! i really dunno.. yesterday i had a dream.. i dreamt abt u again... the dream was fun.. i dreamt tat u were goin overseas.. and u actually had a cute and interesting little 'mole' [an animal] and u needed some1 to take care of it.. so denley gave it to me.. leavin it in my care.. it was really diff from other moles.. a rare species.. idk how to say.. but its really cute and interestin.. i had lost of fun takin care of it.. haha. de only place where i can be happy.. is in my dreams. a place full of fantasy and surprises.. but i noe.. dreams will only be dreams.. :/ and i miss him more.. how i wish i could hug u tight to slp now. or even just to look at u when u r slpin.. i just miss u more. :/

i died.
9:14 PM

Thursday, February 4, 2010

rite.. how should i start this?! hmmm.. well today was very dry as well.. nth much apart from seeing him.. sometimes i wonder.. y m i born this way? with illnesses with me. and its not only that.. havin so much probs.. nth is smooth in my life.. be it frenship, studies, career or even relationship.. this few days have been very hard for me.. been havin severe headache and lost my appetite.. each day.. i eat only abt 1 meal.. and i dun eat much.. and i keep havin nausea, blurred visions as if im goin to faint anytime. do i look emo?! alot of ppl say tat.. but i dun think so ba.. its just me. dun really wanna talk much.. and de noise around me r just.. unbearable.. so many ppl tokin at de same time.. i feel very much to slap every1 of them and tel them to shut de fuck up.. but well. ofcox i didnt do tat.. haha.. if not i'll be so busted. lol. exam is nxt week alrd. i wanna drop wda.. i dun think i can handle tat amount of stress though. when i think of it, de pain in my head will start again. haix.. i've been readin my eclipse again for de second time.. although its de second time.. it still facinates me. i wonder y. haha. sometimes.. i really wish tat i could become bella. at least she has edward and jacob hu loves her so deeply.. and family.. things tat i worry abt, she will nv hav to worry. whereas things tat she worry abt.. i dun hav to.. but.. i wish to take her place.. in a world tat has vampires and werewolves.. fantasy.. 2day he walked pass me 2 times. and i was really like lookin at him.. i noe tat he noes tat im lookin.. just tat he doesnt wanna look back at me de second time. come to think of it, he is dashin 2day.. he's wearin a brown button shirt.. i wonder if he is goin out today. hmmm. dunno.. i was like takin a nap just now.. and den called me.. (i didnt pick up. xp) opps. he asked me to cal him.. and i got a shockin news.. geraldine posted rose & joe's photo.. and she actually say tat 'peiying must be heartbrokened'.. i was like.. omg! y my name?! to geraldine.. she might think tat im sad becox of rose.. but to those hu noes.. they will think tat its becox of joe. i was like so ps la. but i admit tat i laughed when i saw tat pic.. both of them r just so cute. haha. esp rose. she look like some small kid in de arms of her daddy.. hahahaha. opps. xp but well.. im not jealous though. haix. im still pondering over whether i should make him de 'neck pillow' or not. should i? im confused.. hmm..

i died.
9:38 PM

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

2day everything was kinda dry.. didn't catch much slp yesterday.. maybe becox i was too scared ba.. yesterday in de movies i scream like hell.. hate to watch horror in de movies.. cant put down my legs.. like scared got something grab my leg.. stupid huh?! haha. well.. how should i put it? phobia?! and wafi..... is also screamin like hell.. which also send me screamin with him as well. wth! haha. chris was like.. covering her face with her hands. hahaha.. and guess wat. she move to 1 seat away from wafi.. haha. im like.. laughin! haa. and de bravest of us all... is rose... haha. i dunno is she brave or we r too timid. she can still yawn durin de movie.. lols. haha. i must hav shocked her with all my screamings. haa. opps. xp well.. de story line was abit touchin though. and i realised tat my favourite flower was named after sorrow.. somehow.. it seems so sad.. maybe i'll b like my favourite flower. full of sorrows.. but now, the name has been change.. well, even though de name is change... for some reason.. it still has de sorrows in it.. it can nv shake de fate of havin sorrows with it.. just like me.. even if its a new life now, de sorrows which hav accumulated in me b4.. is still dere.. its like its stucked to u forever.. well.. hahaha. nvm tat.. after de movie.. i was still like.. shiverin.. shh!! hahaha. k. its over! rite. i was saying.. things were kinda dry 2day.. didn't really hav much lessons. and de 'threesome'; me, chris and wafi went to wm for lunch.. well.. actually they were just dere to accompany me.. and they ate desert while waitin. i didnt hav much appetite though.. didnt finish de chicken noodle.. it wasn't really nice.. de chicken was hard.. but noodle was ok. well.. maybe its becox im more picky with food ba. haha. i was kinda happy 2day. becox he passed by me a few times 2day.. haha. xp ~blush~.. lols. and de most unforgetable 1 is when i accompany rose to get something at de vendin machine.. and i was like tokin 2 stephen at production.. and idk y i put my icy fingers on his face and ask if its cold. lol. and wat a great timin... he appeared and somehow saw it.. and den he walked over and did de same to stephen again.. i was like.. OMG! embarassed.. :/.. y does he hav to see tat. will he think tat im a flirt? hmmm.. den & lovell was dere too.. haha. and they gimme tat sly smile again.. like i was guilty for something. wth.. and i blushed.. again.. and den i went to like hit lovell. lols. and he walked away to smoke with them.. followed by de others. and i just smiled my way back to class. and class ended long after.. idk y all these little stuff can just brighten my day up like this. maybe becox of love. but its like.. 1 sided.. den.. i went to charcoal myself secretly.. didnt wan wafi and all to waste their time comin as well. just to make it more convenient and easy for them.. sorry guys.. just doin tat to save u guys from de trouble. to get some info for our project on KO.. but like nth much though. haha. and den i made my way to je to meet audrey.. and went to imm... we bought quite some things for bakin cake in daiso and giant. good times past fast.. and its time for me to get home.. well.. as usual.. im here.. lols. haha. but i chatted with weijie.. haha. so long nv see him le. lols. and he gave me some advice.. he actually tel me to cal him and chat with him eh! omg.. like how? lols. i dun even noe how 2 start a conversation with him.. well.. im not a person hu is shy.. infact.. im a very sociable person.. haha. jac will agree with tat. haa. lols. but somehow.. i become damn shy when infront of de person i like. idk y oso. sucks to be tat. haix. suddenly... i felt so... idk. suddenly felt emo and feel like crying.. but i suck it all back in though. in just abt 2 weeks or so.. will be valentine's day cum cny.. felt like makin a him a neck pillow for his car.. so tat he can just rest his head behind without havin to feel de emptiness between his head and his shoulder..

i died.
10:50 PM