原来我终究还是一个人

Friday, July 30, 2010

today is her birthday.

wanted to wish her..

but i thought maybe not wishing her is a better choice.

if not i'll spoil her mood again.

so i'll just wish her happy birthday here.

wanted to get her a present.

but then again.

well.

nevermind.

been a few weeks since i saw him.

wanted to see him..

but i gotta control myself.

i'll be going on a holiday to bangkok on the 20th of august!!!

not confirmed but will be confirmed by tomorrow..

and how many people coming..

i asked him along.

don't know if he will come.

well..

i don't have high hopes on it.

shit man..

i was suppose to forget about him.

but then...

wtf!!

i did it again.

alright..

just waiting for the good news by tomorrow!

i died.
4:29 PM

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

distance brings people closer together

it can also prove how strong a relationship or friendship between people are

well.

thats what i think..

and so far..

yeah..

with vivian,

jac,

pk,

pek pek & friends,

puite,

yok san,

datou and click,

chris & wafi,

we all went fine..

we still loved and rely on each other.

for you..

maybe you think i don't care or bother about you.

why i'll meet jac, or chris, or pek pek..

its becox they come my work place to find me.

or you can also say that they are chasing after me.

but then..

maybe we are not meant to be.

i'm not a cold person.

neither do i wanna hurt you.

but i'm always there.

i may not msg you or cal you.

doesn't mean that i don't care.

in fact.

something you don't know.

whoever i went out with,

wherever i am,

you are always on my mind.

besides joe,

you are that someone whom i worried the most.

but you don't see it.

you can ask anyone,

even my chef..

they knows you.

and everytime i got slow and got scolded & stressed,

is becox half of my mind is thinking about how you are.

i didn't wanna say.

or explain.

at this period of time,

i'm really tired.

work has brought a lot of stress,

i'm like a soccer ball too..

like what milk has said.

being kicked around to wherever that needs people,

this,

i'm ok.

but the worst part is..

that general manager who likes to step in to the kitchen and make me headache.

and then there is that dirty old man who keeps bothering me.

and joe might be going for operation.

and my parent's problems,

i'm like a the filling of a sandwich..

then there's my sisters who gives my endless problems and headaches every day.

so much things.

all this stress made me lose weight.

maybe losing weight is a good thing.

but i lost weight becox i'm stressed and all.

and my migrain reacting and all.

what ever situation i'm in,

only people that work in the same kitchen knows.

i wished you would understand too.

maybe someday,

when you are in this kind of situation you will know too.

didn't tell you about my troubles partly is becox i didn't wanna trouble you.

and the other,

is that i have to learn to stand on my own feet.

i cannot rely on anyone.

i have only me to rely on.

i wanted to let you stand on your own.

so that you will be strong.

but every time i see you unhappy and all,

i just cant bear it.

yeah.

maybe you think that i'm lies,

all crap.

and that i'm using you.

think,

what have i used of u?

its alright.

i'm in the wrong too.

well.

i know u wished that i hadn't appear in your life.

or get out of your life.

your wish is my command.

i won't ever bother you,

but i'll still remember you for life.

i'll still care though.

i guess leo and taurus just don't get along that well.

saw that you are getting along well with your gf and jw.

if i'm out,

it'll make life better for you.

so...

take care.

saw these on jac's tumblr..

"You don’t love someone because they’re perfect. You love them inspite of the fact that they’re not"

the 11 painful things that she mentioned:

1. binging back the feeling that you've learned to forget.

2. reminiscing the good times.

3. trying to hide how you really felt.

4. loving someone who loves another.

5. having commitment with someone you know that won't last.

6. shielding your heart to love somebody.

7. loving a person too much.

8. right love at the wrong time.

9. taking the risk to fall in love again.

10. accepting that i was never meant to be.

& lastly,

11. 'what ifs'

when i saw those..

i'm like.

it speaks part of my heart.

loving him and my friends is not becox they are perfect.

its becox of the flaws they have that i've accepted.

no one is perfect.

and as for the 11 things.

those were the things that i do hate.

and the pain in the heart.

sometimes,

i really don't know y..

maybe its like what jac says:

absences makes the heart grows fonder.

your absences made me missed you more.

she told me that when you saw us,

what she think, about how u felt at that moment,

is like when he sees me,

he knows that i'm there because of him,

like expected.

some how or rather.

i felt like giving up.

giving up on you,

on every other thing.

living for the sake of living.

soulless zombie.

wouldn't it be better?

i wished i hadn't have any emotions or feelings or even feel tired.

then maybe i won't be in this state.

thinking too much...

well.

what can i say..

its life.

and life still moves on.

we still have to carry on climbing up the slopes no matter how hard it is.

if not we'll fall and die.

at least...

we're still breathing the same air,

seeing the same sunrise and sun set.

and living in the same world.

i died.
1:51 AM

Monday, July 12, 2010

great..

i endured until i really cannot take it anymore.

and vomited.

its like the first time after only about 1 plus glass of stout.

that can make me vomit.

sometimes i don't understand myself.

why do i wanna put all those things in my head.

only to make me stress..

none of my close friends understand how i feel.

if they were to just stand in my shoes for like 3 days.

maybe they will jump off a building.

stress from work is a thing..

and then there is stress from peers,

my parents,

my sisters,

and my friends.

and worries..

and my own health is also causing me problems.

my stupid head.

and i hate that part of me that misses him so badly.

that loves him too deep.

great.

how am i going to sleep now.

with my bed wet..

sometimes i really hope my sisters can like grow up.

at least i can have peace at home.

but..

haix.

needless to say.

what a life i had.

non stop of stress.

i died.
1:19 AM

i really don't know for how long i can tolerate this..

i never really felt so stressed in my life b4.

my migrain is reacting again..

felt like my head can burst anytime..

there is plenty of stress at work..

and then i'm worried about him as well.

he will decide again whether to go for operation tomorrow after his appointment.

i thought this was all..

then there is my sis whom i really cared a lot.

suddenly i got a message from her..

headache again.

went to drink with my chefs and try to sort out everything..

after that i thought when i reached home..

i will have peace.

and there goes again..

my sisters is giving me troubles..

my bed is wet,

all i hear is them shouting at each other,

i really don't know how long i can tahan all these until i jump off a building..

and everything is over.

story end.

i died.
12:50 AM

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

its my off day today..

and since i was worried,

i woke up early in the morning,

and went to the temple at bugis to pray for him.

the good thing is that jac accompanied me to go,

so i won't be alone.

i spent around 40 bucks just to pray for him.

and i got an amulet for him as well.

so after we prayed,

we went for shopping..

its almost like we went around the world.

first was bugis..

went to eat and shop.

next stop is far east,

then coming up is somerset 313..

forth stop is plaza sing,

went there just to collect her make up brush.

and the last stop...

we went over to clarke quay..

to see him.

when i saw him...

i'm finally able to let go of the huge stone that is stuck in my heart.

worrying that he might be very in pain,

or his face might be swollen or something like that.

but he seemed quite fine,

now that his swollen face has somehow healed.

and i passed him the amulet..

the situation is like so...

awkward.

i'm like so quite...

i'm very happy..

seeing him smile lights me up..

after he gone back in,

i missed him already.

haix. i'll go see him again though.

if i had the chance.

hope that he keep the amulet in his wallet.

i go all the way down to pray just for him..

miss him...

i died.
11:11 PM

Friday, July 2, 2010

its only been the 2nd day that i saw him.

and then something like that happened.

Tuesday he was still fine and standing right there,

flawless and wide smile.

and then yesterday fatty told me that he's with him.

asking me whether i wanna go.

if only i went.

maybe all this won't have happened.

i would have taken the blows for him,

or pull him away.

or i could call up my friends to help.

went to work today,

and it was great.

and then i suddenly felt uneasy.

emo somehow.

sense that something wasn't right.

worrying about something that i don't know what it is.

and just then i saw his fb comments.

that i know that something happened to him.

he got into a fight,

and got hurt.

quite serious.

;(

tried ways to contact denley.

was scared to just call him.

didn't want to disturb him.

but i couldn't get through denley as well.

until he msg me to tel me to call him..

and i see hope.

but the thing is den didn't go with them,

and he didn't know what happened.

and i was hoping that he would get to know what happened and call me up.

but i was soooo worried.

could settle down.

and i couldn't stand it anymore.

he was online.

and i asked him.

and he told me:

'well, nose swollen, lip crack. deep cut at my chin,

that was nothing, till just then, the doctor who examine called me and say his colleage saw a crack on my nose after the X-ray,

and ask me to go down for the next appointment next week to discuss with regards to the surgery and so on.'

i was like...

omg.

my heart aches.

and i had the urge to really cab down to see him.

even if i know that i can't help anything.

i just want to see him.

and sayang him.

i hope den will cal me asap.

and hopefully tell me when he will go for his surgery.

and if he will be staying in the hospital.

so i can go see him.

i died.
2:25 AM