原来我终究还是一个人

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

i've lost count on how long i've loved you or how long i've longed and hope for you.

every time you never fail to break my heart,

neither did you fail to bring back the pieces into a whole.

missed you every single second..

today was the first day i went back to school to become an Sft for the time being.

everything was alright.

i felt weird though.

don't really like some of the people there..

but oh well...

i bet they don't really like me either.

but one of them really caught my attention..

his pattern is exactly like 'him'..

every move and the way he talk somehow.

he resembles 'him' as well..

the only thing is that 'he' is darker, thinner and more gentleman.

with his shadow around in production..

i often went blank..

i really missed you..

so much that i can't even feel it sometimes.

and when i saw what you post on your fb..

it shatters my heart somehow.

is it meant for me?

that you saw my status and msn?

and that was your reply...

'don't look back, what you get is only regrets'

;(

i died.
12:49 AM

Saturday, September 18, 2010

days passes in a flash..

its almost like it was just yesterday..

that it happened again..

that was the Tuesday that just passed...

and now,

it was already Saturday going on Sunday..

saw that you had a party today..

which will be held till tomorrow..

thinking who you would be with,

thinking what will you be doing,

drinking perhaps?

i hope you won't drink so much though..

its bad for health..

i still remembered how you used to tell me,

don't drink too much and that its bad for health..

the first time is when i asked you for a meet up..

just the two of us..

after i watched the movie '2012'..

and the second time is when i asked him to join me in a drinking session,

with wayne, chris and wafi..

the first time is when he called me up..

i won't ever forget that day i guess...

its just inches to that door..

but he left me waiting outside..

the second time..

i didn't get to hear his voice.

but through message..

though i know..

that u see me as only a friend..

well..

i just can't stop my heart for beating for you..

i should already have stop it..

i shouldn't have went to see you since i've ran away that Tuesday..

but you fool me again..

i know all these..

is just my one-sided love..

i shouldn't have..

i died.
11:49 PM

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

today or is should say, yesterday is his birthday.

me and rose went over to clarke quay at about 2 plus going to 3,

to pass him the cake...

and the bear that i made..

at first when we reached there,

rose called him and ask him where he is,

and i heard that he was already at his workplace and he asked who rose is with,

rose said 'someone..'

and he said 'ok.. i know already'.

i was like..

somehow heart broken-ed...

maybe i thought too much..

but somehow..

my mind tels me that his reaction was...

sien... 'knew it was her..'

at that moment..

i thought..

i'll just let rose pass the things to him..

so this way,

he wont get to see me..

but who knows..

he and rose came looking for me..

i caught a glimpse of him..

panic..

so i act like i saw something..

and went running for it..

then i went to get ice-cream..

rose told me that he was shouting for when i ran..

but well.

maybe my mind was thinking of running away from him..

so i heard nothing..

then rose told me that he went back,

and also told him that i didn't want to see him.

then she gave me that look...

and ask me why i'm like running away..

i lied..

saying that i wanna get ice-cream..

she saw through me i think..

and when she told me that he came just to say thanks..

but because i ran away,

so he went back..

my heart ached.

i wonder how he would feel at that time..

so no matter how i really don't want to see him,

i still went...

though i fear that i would be back to square one..

i was at the door step,

looking in..

and when he looked up,

that moment i will never forget..

like..

'ei!~ blink blink'

to me...

the first thing that came to mind about his reaction is that:

his face brightens up when he saw me..

well.

i know its just my wishful thinkings..

that moment when i saw him..

i knew all my effort gone down in drain..

just because i don't want him to feel bad.

haix...

he came out..

and was like asking...

where i went..

and i said i went to buy ice-cream..

he was like..

'IS IT....'

maybe he knew..

did my face and actions betray me?

hmmm..

oh...

and he said..

'i thought u grow taller, but when i saw your heels.. i was like.. ok..'

i can't recall the exact thing he said.

but that was the meaning..

i was like..

erms....

yeah..

then i went to sit beside rose..

and he started talking to rose...

so i sit down quietly..

trying to look away.

i knew he looked at me a few times..

i can't help but to do the same too..

then daddy called...

phew~

so before he even finish smoking..

i stood up and hover rose that its time to leave.

i don't know how to explain that scene..

but it was..

awkward..

normally i would wait for him to finish his cig.

and watch him go back in..

but this time..

it was his turn to watch me as i go..

maybe this is really the time to say goodbye..

i wanted to badly to hug him just now.

haix...

i thought i've forgotten..

maybe its just like what chris said..

forgiven is not forgotten..

but for me..

running away is not forgotten..

and i can't believe that i still tear..

for him..

just can't get today off my mind..

i brought this upon myself...

at least he likes the cake..

and he appreciate the effort that i put in for the bear that looks like a rat.

i wonder what he's thinking all this while..

i died.
2:29 AM

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Strawberry Mousse cake that me and rose made for him..
(top view)

a bear the i sewn for him from scratch..

been awhile since i've blogged..
ever since i've resigned..
i have been going out a lot lately..
and the worst thing is that i haven even got my salary..
stupid company!
well...
have been watching drama and stuff..
enjoying my life..
but time seems to fly..
two weeks gone just like that..
have been meeting rose a lot lately too..
and going out with my cousin to havoc..
haa!
oh..
two more days is his birthday..
yeah..
him...
i know i have to forget him.
and i said i would.
but well.
its his birthday.
so i just acted out as a friend..
and a last goodbye gift for him..
wanted to go down to give him today with rose.
but of cause..
he won't see me..
i will hide somewhere else while rose pass the things to him..
naive and stupid..
i know...
well...
at least i can practice my sewing skills and my baking skills..
haa.
my sewing skills are still there..
and my baking improved!
well.
at least my cake now looks more edible.
hahahaha.
oh well..

i died.
11:43 PM

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

to someone special
i came across this message that i thought i would never receive again in my life.

first reaction is that i was shocked.

but i was glad too.

if you are reading this..

actually, i too..

haven stopped thinking and keeping track about your daily life.

well...

maybe in a few years time when we all have settled down..

we will forget about what had happened and start afresh.

and you too...

remember what i always tell u..

don't rely or trust in anyone but yourself.

no one will treat u the way u want them to..

no one will love u that much as u love them..

becox most of them is just there cause they need you.

"love you cause they need you & not need you cause they love you."

do love yourself more and protect yourself more.

don't care about what others might say or stab you when at work.

because in this society, its always like that.

don't party too much though..

afterall..

its not that good..

and i will remember your last words..

and i will always remember the good times we had rather than the bad ones..

love you~

i died.
12:12 AM

Monday, September 6, 2010

hmmm...

actually i am just confused all over again.

i don't really know what is on my mind exactly.

this 2 days i've been going down to scape..

and yeah.

the funny thing about yesterday is that i wore my wig.

no one actually realize it.

and then there is these 3 men sitting in white dog cafe keep staring at me.

they actually offered me and vivian a glass of wine each.

haa!

so funny..

the way evangeline describe at how their eyes follow where i go..

this was the first time someone offered me a drink in a cafe.

though normally it would be in a pub.

but yeah.

that felt good.

haha.

they say i looked better in short hair.

well.

i trimmed my hair today.

so that i won't have split ends!!!

and went to scape again cox mom wants to get something.

and i'm really broke!!!

my card got no balance left..

and i'm like.

omg!

thank god i still have a spare card.

haha.

and the worse part is..

we went for mac and i spent another 20..

this time..

i'm really left without a penny...

wow..

i sound so pathetic.

hopefully they bank in my allowance already...

if not...

i'm gonna make a hell lot of noise..

its the 7th of September already..

in exactly a week's time...

his birthday...

and me...

i was actually thinking of making him a cake..

yeah.

i am still stuck.

but i'm not like the other time.

this time is because of his birthday...

and it was a gift..

rather than making it due to love..

i can't deny that i still think of him at times..

and i'm thinking about sheng yi as well.

if i were to go to taiwan with vivian the other time..

my profession now would have been a fashion designer or a make up artist..

and i would have already be together with sheng yi..

and none of all these that happened would have happen..

well.

what's done is done..

there is nothing that can be changed..

haix.

thinking back.

i still love sheng yi..

but i loved joe now..

contradicting.

i don't even know what i'm thinking either..

i died.
11:54 PM

Thursday, September 2, 2010

its been awhile since i've updated my blog.

its so happening this few weeks.

i had just resigned from white dog cafe..

it wasn't a big that issue at first.

but then apparently the OM wasn't happy that i could resign in 24hours.

and he is like picking on me..

and keep wanting me to give 2 weeks notice.

and argue with me about my contract.

its not even a contract anyway.

its just an agreement.

and they don't even pay me back my time or pay me for my time.

and also i have to do almost everything.

so fucked up.

i realized that i've changed so much..

i've become to be more and more autistic and emo.

i even can go sing alone in the kbox for an hour.

i wonder why i've become like that.

so stressed...

feeling depressed everyday.

feeling tired everyday.

haix....

talked to chris just now.

and yeah.

life suck...

relationship problems again somehow.

and i wonder..

what guys are really thinking.

well.

sometimes staying single is still the best though.

the only thing is that u will feel lonely all the time.

haix.

why do i still love him?!

i thought i had got him off my mind.

yeah..

its been a year..

how long more?!

i wonder.

his birthday is just around the corner.

i wanted to bake him a cake.

but then...

i dont know if i should.

haix.

confusing.

still gotta go back to sch..

headache.

i died.
2:15 AM