the names JAMIE KATRINA! u can call me either 1. 我今年 19 岁.
我喜欢看书，煮东西，吃东西，唱歌，跳舞，购物，pool, 还有。。。。 说不完！！
just another emo girl, doesn't like to express by speaking, but instead she sings her heart out.. dont take me for granted, i don't know what i will do..
TO GETS:
- DSLR Cam! - Samsung Galaxy S! - shopping trip to thailand & not forgetting their temples to visit.. - photoshoot!!!
it seems like u r livin comfortably with ur 'bf' now and nv leave any traces of me and ad.. well.. good for u.. and looks like u totally 4got abt us.. good for u again.. this justs shows how much u care abt ur frens.. 4get it. haa. maybe this is a good news to me.. i lost u.. but i gained more.. i gained ad.. as one of my bffs.. some1 hu will care.. some1 hu goes shoppin with me.. some1 hu likes to dance, talk and do stuffs like me.. some1 hu clings around my arm and acts like lesbians with me.. some1 hu wanna 'slim down' and become pretty with me.. and some1 hu will wanna have a couple ring with me even though we r not couples.. i've found some1 much much much more better. de lost.. is somehow.. nth.. well well.. its de past.. haa. oh... 1 very very very good news is... I GOT INTO DE PLACE I WANTED!!! yeah!!! haha. i found a very good place with a very good chef.. and a very good bro and 'gf'.. haha.. im really really really excited abt goin to internship.. really... fuck tat sch... like y cant we just fuck care abt de theory.. in de end.. theories will be left aside.. and de thing tat we need for life... will be our palette and our hands.. so y de theories?! and y did i choose to be in wda?! stupid me.. to think tat if i really wanted to be a chef, this is a better choice... im so naive and gullible.. shatec is just cheatin me. lol. REGRETS......... haix.. but i m somehow glad tat i came becox if not for this.. first, i wont get to meet my bro and get into tat restaurant.. second, i wont get to meet all my frens now in my class and de other.. and esp.. knowin him and fallin in love with him.. although its just me lovin him one sided.. but well.. i cant deny tat even though i can just look at u from a distance and always look at either ur back view, side view or from de top.. i m contented and it just lights up my day like tat.. i'll smile through de day.. but i noe.. im fallin deeper.. i wanted to stop.. i've ever tried givin up.. but when i saw u or saw ur pic.. i missed u again.. i hate to say tat.. but i cant help it.. when i saw ur pic just now in fb when it just pops up on my home page.. i realised u do resembles huang jun xiong.. but well.. maybe becox i like u.. i think u r much more better.. and i well... accidentally clicked on ur page.. u said ' i can only say the best possession is me being single '.. idk if u r tryin to hint to me. or its just some random stuff tat u tot of and postin it for de sake of postin.. maybe im thinkin 2 much? idk.. but guess u r pretty much happy with ur life.. and i shouldn't interfere. but i will wait.. wait till de day tat i no longer hav feelings for u.. some1 told me.. 'nv give up until tat guy really tells u tat he doesn't love u..' but do i hav de courage? to tel u tat i still love u? it might be quite hard to tel if i loved u.. becox i hav nv been tgt with u nor really talk to u seriously.. but u noe.. love.. is magical.. i might not like u in de beginnin.. but later.. i fall for u uncontrollably. like fallin into an endless pit tat i can hardly see de exit. but well.. i chose to fall in deeper.. hopin tat i might land on de ground in pit leadin me to de wonderland.. just like wat happened in 'alice in the wonderland'. haven seen u for 2 days.. felt empty though.. but im glad tat i hav frens and sisters to accompany me through.. haha. love u gals and guys! guess i'll stop here.. becox.. im tired alrd. haa.
i died. 12:28 AM
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
yesterday i had a nightmare.. i dreamt tat i was back at home in thailand.. and i was standing outside my hse rite infront of de gate.. for some reason, i felt diff abt tat hse.. it was some how a mixture of my hse tat has renovated and not renovated. as in.. half half.. de garden and everything was still dere.. its just tat it looked.. looked like it has been dere untouched for a few decades.. and dere are twines covering all around de gate, de pavillion, and up de old hse.. weeds grew all over de place as well.. its almost like those very old haunted mansion tat u see in scary movies. its not just my hse tat looked so eerie... my aunt's hse which was just opposite to my hse was just as eerie.. i didn't noe y.. but i somehow walked into my hse.. de garden looked just de same.. but it seems like forever just to walked through de garden to my hse's door step. as i walked, i looked around as well, de 'little forest' tat my mom used to plant trees tat r used to make hses... all de trees r like withered and look dead.. 1 or 2 of de dead trees somehow or rather covered de roofs of de hse.. i didn't really noe how 2 describe it.. but u can somehow imagine it. quite scary huh.. it'll be even more scary if u were really dere in my dreams.. den... i walked into tat hse.. when i opened de door, it somehow squeak a little like de door has not been moved in a decade. inside of de hse.. it was totally different from what i expected.. it was also totally different from my hse now.. as in de inside.. this hse in my dream.. was much much much more different.. it was just like a mansion on de inside.. if u have watched 'the haunted mansion' b4, it looked almost like it.. just tat everything was so woody.. wat's so weird is tat the hse looked just like any other hse.. tat wasnt so big nor small.. but on de inside, it was damn spacious.. and eerie ofcox. and all of a sudden, de hse looked damn alive.. all my family members r dere... my cousins and all were dere too.. each in a room.. and one of my cousin, 'kot' stayed near to me. at first i didn't really suspect anything.. i walked into 1 of de rooms while holdin on to my cousin as i was still scared.. in de first room, i saw a gal wearin some cheer leader clothin.. i somehow rmb her face, but tat gal.. i dun think i saw her b4. so it was weird.. its like my first time meetin her.. and den dere is my sister... they turned to me slowly and smiled.. i smiled back.. and walked closer.. den i realised tat the room looked like some 'shop' like in funfairs where ppl have to sell something.. this 'shop' is sellin some accessories and stuff.. all looked abit antique.. but it was all so gorgeous.. i cant help it but to take a look closer.. as i walked closer, i had a shock of my life.. my sister was like killin herself or maybe got killed.. and she was like lyin on de floor, and she turned slowly and smiled.. and den laugh... tat gal too... turned slowly and den laughed at me.. i screamed and look at my cousin.. i tot he was shocked too.. but den... he was actually laughin with them.. i screamed again.. and started to run.. i ran out of de room and past by quite some other rooms.. de same senario occured in those rooms just tat it was all diff ppl and diff 'shops'.. i didn't wanna get into de details becox i myself dun wanna rmb de details. it was.. scary.. and if i nv rmb wrongly... he was in one of those rooms too.. i wanted to get into de room and pull him out and run tgt.. but i was too scared and also.. i knew tat he was just an illusion.. he was just a spirit tat changed into his form to lure me in like de others.. i didn't noe which was real and which was just illusion.. as i passed all those rooms, one by one.. my family appeared and died infront of me.. but they all turned and look at me and smiled.. it was like they were still alive.. in de last room, guess hu i saw.. it was my cousin.. de one who was with me just.. and he too.. did de same... i was scared out of my wits and i ran really fast towards de entrance.. de corridor was like tat of in de dungeon.. like suddenly changed to another style.. and i just kept runnin... den it was like some1 pulled me out of de hse.. and i was suddenly out of de gate and runnin towards my cousin's hse. yes... it was de same cousin... but it was not him... it was his elder sister, 'kip'.. she was... real... i didn't noe wat word to use.. we just kept runnin and our hands r held tgt until we reached her place and de door is closed.. i asked her wat happened to my place.. and where r all those ppl.. and also where is my mom and sisters etc.. she told me abt de story.. a group at cheerleaders actually offended a very evil 'bomoh'.. i dunno wat its called dere.. and de bomoh is really very angry... and as de cheerleaders went to live at our hse, de bomoh set a curse on them and d hse.. inside of de hse, when the cheerleaders entered de hse, de hse suddenly became very big inside and all of them had a room to themselves.. in just 1 night, all of them died.. de sight was gruesome.. and when some1 was sent in to carry de bodies out, they all didn't live to come out.. every1 hu went in, died and nv come back.. all those ppl i saw... they were all their spirits.. it was real... all my family members died.. all those cheerleaders.. and him... y would he be dere in de first place?! i was devastated.. but somehow or rather.. i didn't cry.. maybe i was too scared to cry.. normally when i peeped through de windows in her hse, everything was covered and i cant see my hse nor my aunt's hse.. but when i lift up de curtain and look out.. i actually saw my aunt's hse and my hse.. it was like so clear... its almost like its just rite nxt to it.. or like de window had some zoom in effect.. and i saw de spirits movin around and crossin over from my aunt's hse to my hse.. they were all only de cheerleaders.. none of my family or frens r out.. and my cousin told me tat they were all trapped inside my hse.. i was curious y me and her didn't die in de hse.. but i didn't ask her y.. guess i was too afraid to ask.. but she told me tat the spirits r like planning to give away some of de antiques in de hse.. since the hse was cursed, de things inside will also be cursed as well.. de spirits r actually trying to drag more ppl down with them.. i didn't dare to go out of my cousin's place.. the area was so quiet and not a single person.. it was like im in a ghost town.. and all of a sudden.. i just woke up.. but it seems like de nightmare was still dere.. all de things were so real tat i could even feel de cold atmosphere of my hse.. Omg.. i just told my mom abt it and she asked me.. wat if u go back? r u afraid?! tat question really had me.. i gave it a second thought.. i was afraid.. and hopefully i wont remember a single thing b4 i go back again.. if not i'll become a zombie.. not able to slp and also.. hav mental probs.. oh ya. 2day was a long day.. but i actually somehow or rather talked to him.. haha. i was standin outside my class and he walked towards, thinkin tat his class was at bl3.. but den realised tat it wasn't.. so he was like.. 'a?!!!!' haha.. he looked so cute.. den i was like laughin and den i told him tat it was de other class.. he was like.. izzit?!!! not this class meh? and i was like.. ya!!! tat class!!! den he went to his class.. denley was like smilin at me.. u noe tat kind of sly smile.. haha. and i asked if my face was red.. i mean if i blushed.. and YES! omg!! i did blushed a little.. and my face was hot.. lols. haha. i acted normal and i went over to their class outside.. to like gossip a little. and weiwen wants this gal's no.. and idk y.. a gal and her frens like walked passed and i called out to her and pointed at weiwen and say 'hello.. my fren wants ur no.'... hahaha... den he was like omg.. so embarrassed and his whole face was red! haha. wat a scene.. lols. every1 was like disturbing him.. haha. i stood like outside de door.. and facing towards de window on de door where denley was standin.. he was sittin inside.. i could see him just through de doors.. i did really peep much.. but 1 look at him will be enuf.. becox tat 1 look, just stuck in mind.. its like a 烙印.. those image were all still vivid in my mind.. i just cant seemed to get them off. and den when after sch.. i went over to yew tee for a drink with nic, vincent, xiong, den, weiwen, allen and kuniyawan.. when i reach dere, they were like.. shocked. hahaha. well. i wont say much on though... as usual.. ppl were funny when they were somehow drunk.. haha. laughters.... den at abt 6.10.. i went to meet mushroom for dinner at bugis.. he brought me to some coffee shop behind bugis street for thai cuisine.. de food dere was not bad.. better than thai express... it had a taste of thailand.. haha.. like u were really dere.. but not really to tat standard yet.. its abt 70% of it alrd.. haha. den i went home.. just now.. i went to see ur profile again... rite.. i didn't press it on purpose.. idk y i press it too. and i saw a new gal.. it seems like apart from hannah.. dere is still jasmine.. oh great. this name again.. y do i always have to face this name?! lols. wadeva.. i dun deny tat my heart ache a little.. but u r really... popular with gals?! or something like tat... it seems like love luck was on ur side nowadays and.. it seems like i have more and more rivals. if only u were not so sweet... den i might not fall in love with u... seriously. all tat u hav said reflects on urself. i was trust worthin.. but for yrs, i've been by ur side.. how many times did u showed interest in my stuff? how many times did u really cared and wanted to noe more abt me?! i wasn't not trust worthin.. u noe it urself.. but de thing is i lost trust in u.. i told u my stuff and tell u not 2 tel any1.. but in de end.. u will tel ur bf.. its not like only once.. its been alot of times.. i always forgive and forget.. if my mind was full of sex.. i guess i wont still be a virgin and my first kiss will long be gone.. this.. u should not hav said it out. becox its almost like saying urself.. i would not say tat im mature.. nor will i say tat im childish.. but i hav not done anything tat all my other frens will say it as childish.. and quite some ppl say i was mature.. wadeva.. im not really sayin u r cheap or u r a slut. but i cant find any other more suitable words. yes.. i hav no rite.. but since u wanna tarnish and ruin urself like tat.. i hav nth to say.. everybody change.. even i, also change.. u might say tat u nv change abit.. but u did.. just tat u dunno.. u changed rite after pri sch... im really saying all these becox i do care abt u.. but u seemed to dun care abt it. so be it den. since u dun wanna change ur fuckin attitude.. fine.. i wont force u.. nor i will tolerate all of tat.. since ur bf is more important to u.. den so be it.. it none my fuckin prob anymore. well.. if u r goin to carry on like tat.. u will hav no true frens in life.. becox u dun care or listen... all u care is urself.. u dun even care abt ur mom.. she is pregnant and hav a stall to tend to and dere's a baby bro at home.. yet u went missin for like almost 2 days.. and u hav to make ur mom worried sick.. but u... havin fun and lovey dovey with ur bf at his place.. well... frankly speakin.. i dun feel like slappin u or do anything and i dun feel anything at all.. becox it just shows how childish i m to be aggitated by u.. well. life still goes on for me w or w/o u.. so.. it doesn't really matter anw.
i died. 10:24 PM
Sunday, January 24, 2010
2day didnt felt like goin out, not even steppin out of this hse or even my room. i just felt like stayin in my bed de whole day.. and lock de door.. dun even want to eat or drink or wadeva for all i care. abt 10plus am, i got a call tat woke me up from my beauty slp. at first i tot hu would it be and i didn't regconise de no. it took me awhile to pick it up. i was a little shocked when i knew hu was tat. it was jia wen's aunt and at tat moment i knew something was not rite. despite havin de cold war with her, i dun deny tat i was worried sick. i got to noe tat she went missin after mingsiang's bd on fri at abt midnight. havin known tat, i was abit relieved. i tot she had an accident or something like tat. i wasn't tat worried not becox i dun care. but i seemed to noe where she was.. i knew tat she must hav been stayin at jun jie's place. i knew her too well. and her aunt called me later to tel me tat they found her. ofcox, i told audrey abt it.. and then i called her again after a while. i was really really really disappointed.. u might not wanna change ur fuckin attitude for us, nvm.. its alright.. becox afterall, ur 'bf' i much more important to u. but seriously. sometimes i really feel like slappin out some sense from u. wat have u become?! i dun mind tat u r a bitch. but i feel tat u r not just tat anymore.. i can accept tat u r a bitch. but u r changin into a slut. im sorry if my words r too harsh.. i dunno wat other words tat i could use on u. u actually went to stay at his place for abt 2 days and u didn't tel any1 or inform ur parents abt it. do u noe how worried ur family are?! i dunno whether to say tat u r still not mature enuf or to say tat u r just plain selfish. u noe tat ur mom is pregnant and still have to tend to a stall and she still hav to take care of ur little baby brother although u hav a maid to look after him. despite all these.. u still wanted her to worry for u.. can u use ur brain to think?! do u think tat she hav de time and all to worry for u?! y didn't u think for ur family. or izzit tat all u wan is to stay and fuck with him and think tat he is ur god when he wasn't even ur bf yet.. he is just some1 whom u know for only a few months and becox of him, u can sacrifice ur so called besties and even ur family. i really dun wanna say this. but u r really gettin cheap. i noe i cant interfere with ur life.. but really.. is this de path tat u chose? do u really wanna ruin urself? y cant u treat urself better i meant by ur body. y do u hav to let those filthy guys dirty u like tat. i didnt mean tat havin sex was wrong or dirty. but sex was somethin u do with de 1 u really love most and trusted most and ofcox, u noe him inside out and noe tat after u gave it to him, he wouldn't leave u. sex was a pledge for love do u noe tat. guys wouldnt think it tat way i noe. it was just a moment of pleasure for them. but idk how u can let them. or maybe u r enjoyin tat. do u noe tat they'll just dump u and tel their frens abt it. and ppl will think tat u r just a needy little whore. i noe tat if u were to see this, u'll probably be fucked up and anted to tell de whole world how ungratedful and how 'sisterhood' i was.. well go ahead. becox i dun care abt all these.. u can tarnish my name and everything, but ppl hu noe me.. they'll noe tat im not like tat. im sayin all this is becox i did treat u like sisters.. u were once my everything. de one i cared for de most.. but i cant seem to see it now. somehow or rather, i regretted. regretted treatin u so nice. becox i didnt really feel r love for me. im no a les. de love i was sayin was sisters love. i felt tat u just treated me like some1 whom u will look for when u r in need. like in sec sch, u'll only find me when u need to borrow money frm me durin recess.. and call me up whenever u r sad or wadeva. everytime we go out, tel me.. when hav we done gal's stuff tgt b4? dere will always be a 3rd party. if dere isnt.. we'll be chillin at some place doin nth. maybe some chattin.. but its always u hu is doin de talkin.. u nv listen.. if i were to ask u wat do u noe abt me? do u noe wat things has happened on me? i bet u dont. becox u dont even noe anything abt my work. all u noe is de 'workplace' tat i brought u to de other time. u always wanted to be de lead.. and i let u.. u asked me out.. i will find a suitable time.. but i will nv skip sch just for de sake of goin out with u.. frens would wan u to skip sch for them.. and whenever i tel u tat i dun wanna go out and tat im really tired and sick.. u will always try to force me. u might not think it as forcin.. but to us.. it was.. tat was de reason y i lied. i noe tat being sisters, we shouldnt lie.. but i had no other choice, u wouldnt listen.. u wouldn't hav let me off and u wouldnt understand. and dun tel me tat u didnt lie to be abt a single thing. u can say u nv. but u noe it urself deep down inside. im really really disappointed in u.. when i noe how u responded when audrey was talkin ur sense out, i really gave up on u.. it just shows how foolish we r to be worried abt u.. and i m not like last time. if u finally come to ur senses.. we wont be dere anymore... and my mom as usual.. she is lazy herself but says tat we r lazy.. sometimes i really feel like slappin her ut of her senses.. y cant she just understand and noe tat im really tired.. she doesn't noe wat kind of fucking stuff happened on me.. and now she is on de fone with one of her busybody frens talkin abt how lazy we r.. and complainin abt us. and den when she hung up de fone.. she come back to us and complain to us her tat fren tat wanted to borrow some cash from her.. i was like.. dots.. since she is like tat.. den dun fren lol. still act as if she is ur good fren on de fone.. and tell her things abt us.. degradin us.. and sayin tat she could just leave us like tat.. lols. idk y im so hot tempered now or y im so furious abt this. maybe becox of her actions tat reminds me of some1. hypocrite. but well. wadeva. she's my mom afterall.. i might hate her now, this moment. but i still cared more than i hate her.
i died. 6:47 PM
Friday, January 22, 2010
A song tat might state my situation and feelins.. 'wrong becox of love' - im at fault becox i love u.
it felt like haven been slpin at all yesterday.. i was slpin but im almost consious.. i had this dream.. idk if tat dream was really a dream or it was just my imagination.. i dreamt tat i was at de MRT station, at de platform.. idk which station though.. deres alot of ppl waiting for train, den among all those ppl, i tot i saw him.. knowing tat he doesn't take trains, i tot i was just day dreamin.. funny huh?! day dreamin in a dream.. lol. but i was curious so i went closer to get a better look.. to my surprise, it was really him.. he was takin train.. as i was afraid tat he might saw me, so i hid behind some1 hu is like taller and bigger size than me and den peeped at him.. his train arrive & it was almost full of ppl, he got in and was standin rite at de door... i kept peepin at him until out of a sudden, some1 pushed me.. and i almost fall on my face, but i didn't just tripped a little. den i realised i was exposed.. no 1 was dere blockin me.. and i felt so embarassed and hopin tat he didnt see me. somehow or rather.. it felt as if de train's door took foreva to close.. i quickly get on my feet and peep a little to make sure tat he wasn't lookin.. but he was no where to be seen, he wasn't at de door anymore.. i tot to myself maybe he just squeezed in to de middle of de cabin, den de door closed.. i hieved a big sign of relieve.. relieved tat he didn't see me..den i turned around, wantin to walk over to de seat near by.. but when i turned around, i was shock and stunned.. he was standin rite infront of me and we were so near at de moment i turned tat i almost kissed him.. so.. he did saw me afterall... my heart startin racin very fast and somehow.. i was almost blushin.. we chatted a little while and board de train tgt.. we chatted for a while and it was den i realised tat i took de wrong train.. as usual.. i made de shocked sound and den say omg.. i took de wrong train... and stood up.. well. me.. lols. so i dropped off at de nxt station.. it looked like dhouby.. but i wasn't sure though. i turned around wantin to wave goodbye but he actually came out with me.. and den he asked me if i wanted to go on a date and tat he is willin to give it a try with me. i was... damn.. shock.. and happy.. i almost cried out of happiness. at first i tot he was jokin, den he said he wasn't.. i was speechless... i didn't noe wat to do or wat to say.. i kept quiet de whole day and we held hands. he didn't say anything too.. both of us wont hav to say anything.. just stay de way it is... and im almost at de top of de world. this might seemed childish or naive or wadeva. but it was... blissful.. de day ended so quickly.. just a flash and and it was time to part. de goodbye was hard to say.. and i didn't like to say tat.. so i just simply let go of his hand and look at him.. without sayin anything, just a smile and it seems like he knew wat i was thinkin.. he smiled back at me and i kissed him on de cheeks.. wat happened nxt i oso dunno. becox i woke up alrd. i wished tat i had stayed in tat dream foreva.. i dun hav to face anything or any1.. just him.. no problems.. but i noe.. it was my dream and my wishful thoughts. i knew very well tat it will nv happen in reality.. my mood was carried down even further when i listened to de thai songs tat i recently added.. it somehow expressed what was on my mind.. my feelins.. my situation.. i was somehow emo throughout de day.. i didn't felt like talkin.. i cant smile.. den it was end of IS, we changed up and headed back. on de way back, at de traffic light, they were just rite opposite to us. i didn't look up.. my heart told me to look up.. but my brain told me not to. i actually listened to my brain.. i had my hoody on and faced down as i walk. some1 pulled my hoody off; i put it back without any expression, some1 pushed me; i didn't fall but i jerked a little and kept on walkin.. but turned around to catch his back view.. we got further and further.. his back got further and further until i lost his sight. chris and wafi pulled me half way though. they were like scoldin me and tellin me to get over it. i noe wafi and chris was worried abt me.. they kept consolin me.. but i cant get anything in my mind. im really sorry for tat.. im just.. not really in de mood. and vincent as well. i noe tat u just wanted to cheer me up. i did really cheer up but i really appreciate tat. i noe im foolish, holdin on to some1 hu will nv be dere.. some1 tat all i see is his back facin me. but i couldn't walk away.. i just stood at de same spot had my hands up half way and almost waved goodbye. just like what i've drawn.. my 'inspiration'.. maybe it was just something tat i draw to express myself ba. wateva. and i must say.. if there is a book tat lists out fools.. me and audrey will be on de cover page, for wateva topic it is.. be it frenship or love.. we just hav to hug ourselves and cry without tears becox its all drained out.
i died. 11:30 PM
Thursday, January 21, 2010
2day was just like any other day. idk wat luck has got into me.. been really.. stuck up.. ppl call it unlucky.. early in de mornin i realised i had my period. but its alright at first. den i go into preparin my bento for sch. (haa. somehing tat de threesome has been doin just becox we r lazy to go out of sch.) after im done.. it was alrd so late and i haven done anything yet.. so i was like rushin.... den when i reached bukit batok, chris told me tat class starts at 10.. but i was dere like 1 hr earlier. [stupid me.] it was not so bad at first.. becox i rmb-ed amos and leo.. and we meet up for breakfast at wm.. we had those typical breakfast like coffee, bread and half boiled egg. omg. i swear im nv goin to eat dere again.. de bread was cold and its like alot of air in it, de egg was tasteless eventhough i added alot of dark & light soy sauce.. i only ate half of it.. de breakfast session last for only abt 10mins or more.. but it seem so weird sittin tgt with them and it seems forever.. idk y. maybe becox we aren't tat close anymore and they changed alot.... especially leo.. i have to say im really disappointed with them.. but i cant do or say anything though.. its de path they chose. den we i wanted to go to de toilet, since they dun wanna use de toilet, so i just tel them to leave lol.. i feel uncomfortable with them around either. i started to hav de cramps and it was really awful.. i was like.. no strength and my body was like achin everywhere. wtf! but still.. i pull myself through it. dun wanna go home.. haha. den i walked passed de photo shop.. and den i tot of jasila. so i printed out some photos and den went to get some lollis.. idk y.. im like startin to like de feelin of alone.. de only thing tat i have is my beloved mp3.. de feelin of freedom, no disturbance, no troubles.. nth at all.. just music and me.. im startin to feel nth.. for some reasons.. i felt tat im sick in de mind somehow.. nowadays, if i got any cut or blister... ppl will hate it so much and wish to get rid of de pain.. but im like.. diff. de more pain de more '刺激' i get.. its like a pleasure to me. well wateva! went to class.. and now.. my cramps was really gettin unbearable.. i was like.. shiverin and i cant open de cap of de water bottle or even hold it properly.. fortunately, rose got me de pink panadol.. i was really reluctant to take it at first.. but i cannot take it anymore and asked her to help me get 1.. thks darlin.. love u so much. communication class ended early, so me and chris went to keep our stuff in de locker and went to de library to use de com.. but guess hu was in de library.. all of them.. accept for den and him.. but a while later, they came in.. and i was like.. omg! den saw me.. and was abt to laugh out loud.. but he kept it down and give me tat sly look. den he was like signalin to me, his eyes rolled up to his direction.. i was like... wth.. do u hav to be so obvious?! grr. but i tried to get my eyes away from him and i started to look up on informations abt project.. just so tat i wont peep at him.. but den sms me and de good news was.. he ate 2 meals 2day.. and asked if i was happy.. i cant help it but to smile to myself and i replied; 2 meals not enuf.. must be 3 meals.. hahaha. den was like crazy.. replied; i might as well pat him to slp oso.. hahahaha. lols. hilarious.. tat wasn't a job for him.. it was some1else's job. lols. time passed really fast.. just a flash and they were gone.. at tat moment.. i really regretted not gettin a glimspe at him.. i should have just listen to my heart and not my brain.. but well.. its over anw.. just now.. i came across their wall-to-wall post.. and all their sweet stuff was rite in my eye.. every word send a spike to my heart.. it hurts just for a moment.. and im glad. i guess im really gettin used to it.. i came across a sentence tat really caught me.. As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time.You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love... maybe its becox of this reason tat i've become like this.. maybe i've really become a person tat was close to emotionless.. but 1 thing for sure.. i will do wateva things tat u cannot imagine me doin.. if u r readin this.. u better just read and keep it to urself. u dont hav to test me or spread it to other ppl abt this news or gossip behind me.. if u wanna say, say it rite in my face.. i might not appear nasty.. but u hav nv seen me nasty b4.. u wouldnt wan to see my ugly side.. (bitch, im not sayin abt u although it seems to be u. so dun bother. becox i dun wanna add anymore conflict between us.. de last post was for u. not this. so scroll down.)
i died. 8:15 PM
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
rite bitch. if u did come in and see.. well.. this is for u.. to an extent.. i apologise for lyin.. but im not givin in.. becox dere is a reason behind this.. as u noe.. ur attitude and all.. if i were to tel u tat im sick and tired.. and i really dun wanna get out of hse.. but well... u will dun care and just tel me to come out anw rite. and if i had said no, u will just keep whinin and whinin away.. tat is de reason y i lied.. becox i noe ur so called character.. and just to let u noe.. i wasn't really lyin.. its de fact tat i have work on tat day.. and i work in st regis hotel in orchard.. de place tat u guys visited was my internship place... and my internship has alrd ended like 2 weeks b4.. rite. u might ask me y i endure for so damn long den explode and not tellin u tat i exploded.. now i tel u y.. tat is becox i noe u too well.. even if i tel u.. wat is goin to change?! NTH.. if i tel u which part of u tat i dun like, will u change for me?! NO.. tat is y i just kept quiet. but u noe.. im really somehow disappointed in u.. u actually tel junjie to call and test me, even cal my hse. clearly shows tat u dont trust me. its not like tats de only place i worked in.. and this shows how much u noe abt me. i tel u.. i have several 'work place' b4.. charcoal, st regis hotel, swiss hotel and mandarin oriental hotel.. i bet u only noe tat i worked in charcoal. i noe u aint gonna apologise or change or just let it go and talk to me.. so... i'll just let it be until u talk to me like b4 and 4get abt all these.. if not den i think we'll just stay this way den.. i wouldnt say much.. im really tired. i noe u will say tat u hav jun jie will do.. i noe tat sisters to u.. cant be compared to ur bf.. so... ya.. im not tryin to say anything. but u noe.. u nv listen.. everytime i tel u abt my fuckin probs.. i tot i had u to listen to me and stay by me.. but u always give me ans tat make me feel tat u dun give a damn.. and u will skip to ur probs.. but i didnt say much. i still listen and cared for u. and everytime when we go out.. u will bring a guy or when we were supposed to do something tgt but in de end we didnt.. de only time when we go out and u didnt bring a guy is when we visited my godfather and tat day when i requested to go find junjie. u noe.. many a times.. i just wanted to spent quality time with u doin some girl stuff like doin DIY masks, paintin our toe nails or watch a drama tgt at ur place or my place.. but all tat only happened when we were much younger.. everything changed.. i wish we were back to when we were in pri sch. though u were bossy and all.. but tat was still de bitch tat i love.. u changed but u didnt noe.. i dun deny i changed too.. or maybe i just changed to a person tat is gettin more and more cold blooded.. and i feel very much alone.. but.. this is me.. i shant say much. 2day was a really really bad day.. things weren't so good.. early in de mornin.. i was like msgin audrey abt some1.. to audrey, yes... im sorry i lied. but to jiawen.. well.. u noe.. and so we started to talk abt de issue.. idk y.. but as it goes on.. i really feel.. tired.. somehow or rather.. i really dun feel like carin abt this stuff anymore.. i dun even feel like tokin to any1.. its like.. i wanted to be.. alone.. some ppl might call it emo.. idk.. so de day goes on.. and then.. KO was abt to end.. when chef adrian finished on de chapter, he tel us to get into our groups and submit de names of de members to him.. but unfortunately.. this 2 traitors amos and leonard got into other group and its just left with me, wafi and chris.. we could just stay this way but a grp needs a minimum of 5 ppl.. and so... chef adrian tel yifeng to join our grp.. at first we didn't object to de idea.. but den when yi feng noes tat wafi is de grp leader, he was like.. ''oh fuck.. i dun wanna be in this grp alrd!!''.. at tat moment.. i was abit upset abt it becox it was my good fren tat he had a prob with.. i noe wat he is tryin to get to.. he thinks tat wafi is a useless dump.. and so.. i tel him ''u noe.. u can always choose to leave and not join our group..'' my tone was normal.. its only tat i didnt smile.. den tel chef tat he doesnt wan to be in our grp.. since he had no grp and we dun hav enuf ppl.. so chef was like askin hin for 10 reasons y he shouldnt put yi feng in our grp.. at tat moment.. yifeng was like totally flare up.. idk y he flared.. but it was really foolish of him to do tat.. and den de arguement started.. and he actually dragged me in.. but well.. as de wise person.. i kept quiet.. i was abt to flare.. but i forced myself to stay calm despite of my fucked up mood. but anw.. de good thing was.. he wasnt in our grp.. in de end.. it was just de 3 of us.. and another thing tat made me pissed off is amos.. im really really fucked up.. he didnt wan to stay with us, its alright.. afterall, we've seen his true colours.. he only come to us when he needs us.. so.. wateva.. but den.. when wafi asked for de menu tat we did in de 2nd term.. he was like.. no.. de conv was like tat.. wafi - ''hey. since u were joinin de other grp, can we hav our menu back? we paid for it.'' den his ans was like ''no.. but i printed it.. '' so i was like.. wtf! all ou hard work was in it.. and wat amos did was.. nth.. all he did was to just print out de stuff and WE PAID FOR IT! i still can rmb tat time when we were out discussin de project, all he did was just to play his psp.. and leonard was no where to be seen.. really.. y r dere this kind of person in this world.. well.. i noe nth is perfect.. but thank god.. chris has de menu with her. so.. too bad. de only thing tat im happy of is to see his car passed by and see him walk into de sch.. its not even a min, but i was really.. happy?! this was de only thing tat kept me 4rm explodin and emo de whole day.. but it was also 1 of de reason tat made me felt sad. i wish i was dere to make him food and drinks everyday.. and sharin all his probs, even if i couldnt solve it but at least i was dere to lend im a listenin ear and a shoulder to rely on.. and talkin to lee choo was also a great time.. idk y.. but i liked to be with her.. and i liked to talk to her. i feel comfortable. well.. i think tats abt it.
i died. 10:17 PM
Monday, January 18, 2010
haix.. sch 2day again... we r here early in de mornin and our mentor wasn't here.. but he left us ex 2 to do... like sien.. nth much to do.. haix. stupid computer... cant even use youtube.. i can only go sogou to listen to de music there. wth. yawns.. im like cursin and swearin now.. wat stupid sch is this.. haix... i dun wanna come de!! im like.. sick again.. but.. wat to do?! life's like tat.. i gotta watch my attendence.. shit! lols. hate this kind of feeling.. i sure hope tat 8 weeks will past faster.. omg.. i cant stop yawning. y do i feel so....... tired? im tired of everything.. sch... frens.. work... home... and life.. y is life so bored.. or maybe its just me.. lifeless emo freak.. and again.. i cant stop missing him.. shoots. i shouidn't have.
i died. 9:42 AM
Friday, January 15, 2010
2day was a very happenin day.. woke up in de mornin at abt 8 am.. but i was like so.... lazy... yawns.. really dun feel like wakin up for sch.. thinkin of de lessons make me feel like dyin. haha. lols. went to meet chris.. but i was like late, de good thing was.. she was also late. haa. lols. we were supposed to meet at de first cabin.. but den she mixed up again and was at de last cabin.. lol. haha. but she came lookin for me.. while waitin, dere is this guy.. old, quite dirty, pervertic lookin, weird guy was like lookin at me up and down.. den i quickly walk away and den found chris.. den we were like standin away from tat weird tiko.. but den.. he walked towards us and like look again.. and den he walked pass us.. standin beside chris.. and look at me again.. wtf! den he walk towards de escalator and back again beside me.. and look again.. me and chris was like.. so uncomfortable.. den de train arrived.. so we just got in.. and den we keep walkin to de other end of de train, hopin to get away from tat sick guy.. but unfortunately, when we look back, HE WAS FOLLOWIN US!!! OMFG!! at first i tot if we got away, we will be save. but den.. he actually followed us.. den we walked faster and quickly got off de train at chi garden.. and waited for de nxt train.. heng ar.. tat tiko nv follow us down.. tats becox he was too slow.. lols. haha. we tot we were safe... but when we reached jurong east and got off, we saw him again.. omg. he was like from de other end walkin to de end tat we were at just now. and seems like he was lookin for some1.. :/ weird huh.. den i pull chris and quickly run to de other side of de track and went down de stairs.. we decided to take a cab to sch.. but when we were downstairs, we were like.. sien... lets not go to sch.. hahaha. and wafi just woke up as well.. so well.... de 3 of us decided to pon sch and just meet up at bugis.. heh. xp so while waitin for wafi to get himself done.. me and chris went to have breakfast at de coffeeshop den we went over to de library.. wanted to get some magazines for our fhh.. but den couldn't find it. :( so we just sat at de table and im glad tat i brought my tarots along. haha. i calculated for chris and me.. de result for her was.. so so.. dun really understand much.. but it was alright.. and for me.. i asked.. well.. i shall not say.. but de result was.. past-page of cups: its like.. some1 is tryin to catch my attention and i may be wooed or courted.. but by some1 younger than me.. (well... hmm.. somehow, yes.. haha. lols. but its in de past alrd.) ; present-six of cups: im ready to move on and put down all emotional stuff and hopin tat i might rediscover myself again. (well.. its quite true though.. i've decided to put down my feelins for him.. even though i still love him.. but i dun really plan to fall in love again.. at least not so soon.) ; future-the devil: de feelin of intense desire towards a particular situation or person. de discovery of passion in life again. these feelings creatin a new impulsive energy. ( when i got this card.. i was like.. omg.. does it mean tat in future i might fall for him again? or does it mean tat i will fall for some1 else?! but im askin whether... confused.. for a moment, im like... do u wan me to give up or dont give up?) ; this card comin up was abt me-ace of cups:this is de most auspicious and elevated card in de deck. it sidnifies a miracle or an unexpected chance in life. it represents de aspect of de divine god itself through its representation of the holy grail, the cup of life, which gives de soul nourishment and love. its almost like a unfertile woman gets pregnant successfully and etc. A divine, unexpected but truly deservin gift is bein bestowed on u. (when i read de outcome.. i was actually hopin.. i was thinkin whether dere might really be a miracle tat he might 1day fall for me too.. although i knew he wouldn't, but somehow or rather.. i was thinkin abt this readin.. will it really happen on me? afterall, this card is abt me.. but im just unsure abt it.. so i decided to just sick to de present and try to let go.. without puttin any hope, i wont get hurt so easily..) and as for de last card, de underlyin situation: its actually abt.. hmm.. how should i put it.. well.. i 4got wat card did i get.. but its somehow like.. i didn't get much attention and care 4rm tat person and in time to come.. i will be treated fairly with care and concern.. something like tat.. so.. ya.. after tat me and chris went for bugis.. we went to take de train.. fortunately, tat guy wasnt dere anymore.. haha. den we met wafi.. after so long.. haha. went shoppin at de streets.. wafi was crazy.. this guy nv fails to make me laugh.. haha. and at abt 4plus... we went home.. wafi got himself a pants.. haa. he wanted to get chris a bd present at first.. but in de end.. he didn't.. :/ haa. well.. i figured tat he will get her something though.. maybe a bag. haa. guess this is it. =]
i died. 6:39 PM
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
2day is de second day of sch.. was lookin forward to meet wafi.. but well.. he is too tired and over slept.. made me so worried.. grr.. well.. i'll get to see him 2moro though.. miss u so much dude! saw u yesterday and u looked haggard... do u noe how much it hurts to see u like tat? and.. after rose tel me tat u slimmed down alot... it felt even worse.. 2day... de only time when i see u is when u r in de library.. and when u walked passed me.. i felt tat im invisible.. to u at least.. u noe... i wished tat i could be invisble.. so that i could follow u around and see if i can help u.. or maybe at night when u r asleep, i'll be dere to help to cover de blanket. even if it means just to say rite beside u and look at u.. i'll be contented i guess. after de sch has reopened.. it felt so much diff.. first its u.. becox u noe tat i had a thing for u.. and nxt is lovell... den followed by jian long.. hmmm.. hu's nxt? i really dun wan things to turn out this way.. if time is able to reverse.. i would not tel any1 tat i had a thing for u.. i will nv show it out.. and as for de 2.. i will try my best.. to make them my buddies.. y cant gals and guys be just frens or best frens?y does it always hav to turn out this way. i've lost alot of others.. i really dun wish to lose u guys. but wat else can i do? time... doesnt reverse.. wat is done.. cannot be undone.. something came to my mind just now.. when we were released and free to go.. den... unfortunately.. it was rainin heavily outside.. so... i decided to stay awhile and wait for mark to come fetch chris.. aww.. so sweet rite.. i noe.. and den he reached.. i wonder y im sayin abt this.. but well. maybe it leaves a great impression on me. i realised tat they were wearin de same shoes.. and they were sharin de same umbrella.. mark was also shelterin her away from de rain.. seein tat.. i felt so happy for chris.. and at de same time.. idk y.. i felt.. abit lonely.. for a moment.. i was hurt.. maybe im just jealous becox i haven had de taste of havin a bf b4.. and all those little things tat they did tgt and de way they look at each other, their expressions and feel... it felt... blissful.. maybe i loved u.. becox i feel tat in u.. but i noe.. u were just bein u.. de charmin and passionate u.. rite.. y m i talkin abt u again?! i was supposed to 4get abt u.. lols. 问世间情为何物，直叫人生死相许。。什么都看不见了。。
i died. 7:48 PM
Thursday, January 7, 2010
its been abt 2 days alrd since i noticed it. it felt like... nth.. numb.. so im really used to it alrd. im still back to de way i m.. still going for swimmin and plannin where to go first with jac.. i guess de only time when i really let go... is when im with jac or pk.. my 2 best frens.. i didnt noe y.. everytime i felt depressed or sad or watever it is.. and i go find jac at her place or went swimmin... it'll be as if nth happened.. or go out with pk.. shoppin... our favourite part.. i guess. havin these 2 best frens around.. is enuf alrd.. they made me feel..... safe.. is tat de word? hmm.. i guess.. ofcox i wont forget jiawen.. my best bitch. always give me de courage to face challenges.. always 'teach' me to work smart.. but i always screw it up.. too soft i guess. hmm.. i gotta work on it though. well.. without u.. although it felt empty.. but.. i guess... its just de way i m.. its always been empty all along.. de glimspe of hope is just from 1 side.. me.. de hope tat popped out is from myself.. de hope tat nv exist at all.. de only thing tat left for me to run towards now.. is de promises with jac.. 'jacuzzi' n sushi in japan, suana; food and shoppin in korea, shoppings in taiwan, shoppings and food in bangkok then visit my home in lampang... then my music.. de thing tat was always dere for me whenever im feelin blue, wherever i m.. my dream, my hobby.. singing.. singing out my lungs.. expressing watever im feeling.. watever i wanted to say.. it does it all.. and then.. its a promise to myself.. to have my own shop.. my own paradise.. becox of all these.. i should and i will 4get abt u.. or i should say... 4get abt love.. its just a part and parcel of life. without it.. my life will also be completed.. having no emotions.. will be a good thing. joe.. i love u.. but i shall keep tat love away.. for good.
i died. 5:33 PM
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
爱因为思念而存在因为距离而美丽，可是我们之间的距离越来越远，好像连你的背影渐渐的消失了。你在我心里留下的脚步，我现在也快分不清到底那只是幻影还是它的的确确的存在过。its been almost 2 weeks since i saw u.. it felt like years.. i bet u didn't noe how much i miss u.. i guess.. alot of things happen this few weeks. and just a flash.. tat gal.. i noe i cant hold a candle compared to her, though i haven met her yet. but just by de sweet comments tat both of u had and her looks. i noe tat.. u're in love with her.. and she.. i guess too.. in love with u.. i did'nt noe wat to say.. im lost in words.. my heart shatters and its numb, felt like crying out loud but my tears just wouldnt drop. guess im alrd used to it. i guess.. this is ur ans.. though i knew it all along.
