the names JAMIE KATRINA! u can call me either 1. 我今年 19 岁.
我喜欢看书，煮东西，吃东西，唱歌，跳舞，购物，pool, 还有。。。。 说不完！！
just another emo girl, doesn't like to express by speaking, but instead she sings her heart out.. dont take me for granted, i don't know what i will do..
TO GETS:
- DSLR Cam! - Samsung Galaxy S! - shopping trip to thailand & not forgetting their temples to visit.. - photoshoot!!!
having my off today and somehow slept for the whole day.
was talking to sis.
and she seemed depressed.
somehow,
felt that she is having depression.
was somewhat quarreling with her.
and was pek cek..
but then everything got back fine..
i hate to see that she got hurt so much.
i really wish to kill that guy so much.
i know that she love him a lot.
too much that she gave everything.
but no matter what,
our life still belongs to us.
at least we are still breathing.
we can love someone forever,
sometimes,
not being tgt with that someone,
might not be a bad thing.
love doesn't mean to posses.
although i wanted so much to..
but i know that its impossible.
still,
i love him.
i'll still love him no doubt.
but i'll still know that i cant have him.
maybe someday,
i'll meet someone else.
and i'll still look back.
at how much i loved him once.
or rather.
at least we are breathing the same air.
at least u are still living healthily.
at least i still got to know stuff about u.
at least,
we had memories that we once shared.
sometimes i don't understand.
why is there such thing as love?
why are we willing to give so much to love?
although i'm doing that too.
even no matter how much hurt that someone has caused.
i don't mind.
but..
i died. 12:09 AM
Thursday, April 29, 2010
A month and 3 days.
been crying a lot this few days.
first was because of that dream,
and 2nd was because i spoke to mom..
and know a lot of her past.
and it was really sad.
i didn't know that she had to go through all that.
marrying my dad was somehow a mistake.
didn't know that my dad was a bad husband.
but no doubt,
he was a good father to us.
and heard things about my family.
suddenly i realized how pathetic and cruel human nature can be.
they can be very good like they seemed to be now.
but u never know if they stabbed u.
and all they care for was themselves.
never spare a thought for others.
and even a helpless young child was not spared.
if i was able to remember..
kids will sure fight with each other for toys.
and a mom actually scold that kid till she was scared out of her wits and shivers and cry at a corner.
just because she was snatching the toys that was technically hers.
yes.
that girl is me.
i never thought that would happen in a family like mine.
but yeah.
sad to say.
how that had hurt my mom..
and hurt me.
if i had not have a strong wit.
i would have died in my mom's womb.
but i survived for like 3 days in her womb after her 'water' burst.
i should have died.
to save my mom so much unhappiness.
or i shouldn't have call her back when she left back then when i was only about 4 years old.
because of me..
that she is enduring and going through so much pain.
if she were to leave my dad for another guy that loves her and pampers her..
i'll wish her happiness.
and still love her.
that is what she deserved.
thinking about all that she have shared with me.
i cant help but to cry and cry.
haven had much mood.
and i kept cutting and poking my index finger.
=/
stupid..
but well.
working in the kitchen..
can't help much.
finally!
its break time tomorrow!
no work!
off!
ok..
haha.
i can sleep for as long as i can,
try to finish up my book,
go swimming or gym with jac,
maybe dye my hair,
do mask,
and relax!
haha.
woo~
happy.
but..
i missed him a lot.
when will i be able to meet him?!
to see him again?!
haix.
or rather.
when will i fall for another guy?!
i really don't know.
i died. 1:18 AM
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
ok! my mistake.
its exactly a month and 2 days that i didn't see u.
guess i just missed u too much.
i remember the last day that i saw u was on the 26th of march.
it was the 2nd last day of examinations.
i really regret how much i didn't just run up to u and hug u tight.
there wasn't anyone around but u.
and u were walking away slowly.
why didn't i pluck up the courage to do so.
guess i'm just a coward.
looking at our first picture on my phone,
thinking back to the days that we had somehow spent together.
looking far away to somewhere i didn't really know.
and taking my oxygen break.
that moment,
i really feel like crying.
even when i was in the kitchen,
i was like damn pek cek.
i don't know why also.
and i felt like crying.
but i didn't.
i had to stay strong.
been thinking about him all the time.
even when i was sleeping,
i dreamt of him most of the time.
didn't really smile nowadays.
i was tired.
i don't know how many times in a day,
that i almost gone crazy.
i wanted to hug him so badly.
or even just to see him.
haix.
jac and weichao came to eat today.
and i was somehow forced to cook for them..
but then heng..
chef roger helped me with the salmon,
and ah tan helped me with the baked rice.
so basically,
i didn't really so much..
and then went to take a break with them..
time passed so fast.
and then during the operation,
when i somehow wrapped everything.
and dang!
the mango salad came in..
nvm..
i do alrd..
DANG!
again..
wah..
i damn pek cek ah!!!
stupid..
late liao still eat..
hope they all grow fat like pig.
and later went to find audrey and her friend.
opps.
forgot the name again.
so me, her, him and shaun was like slacking around.
i was somehow emo again.
looking far..
mind blank..
went home with sis..
and she cried.
seriously.
that guy was a coward.
i haven even started to fuck him,
and he hung up.
and say : 'childish'
like who is the 1 that is childish here.
haa!
hope he got bang by a car and die.
or get kicked out of sg and back to his hometown.
fucker!
looking helplessly at sis,
and tears roll down..
all i can do is to hug her and comfort her.
we didn't talk on our way back.
both of us were emo about our own 'stuff'
i hate that feeling.
but it was me..
to be emo..
haix.
if only i had a chance..
if i ever hold on to u..
i won't ever let u go.
but i know that it's impossible.
because u will never be mine.
but still.
i love u.
this 3 word is so hard to say.
but u are the first that i ever said it when i really meant it in a way..
that i wanted to be the one to hold u tight.
but will u?
i doubt.
but have u ever had a bit of feelings towards me?!
guess not ba.
i died. 1:14 AM
Sunday, April 25, 2010
its exactly a month already.
this month is really hard for me..
to be able to not see u for so long and only living on that picture of u and me,
and also your pictures.
its somehow the thing that keep me from going on everyday.
your smile makes me smile when I'm tired at work too.
its was really very happening today also somehow.
i slept at about 3am las night,
and i had this really strange dream.. a nightmare for me.
I dream that i was working like any other day,
and then i had this strange feeling.
like someone is embracing me,
feels like him..
but there was really no one..
so i just didn't care much about it.
and then i received a message,
from him..
at first i was really happy that i got his message.
and as i read on,
my heart was broken..
in the message,
he said something like..
he was just playing with me in the past,
and he did all that just to get me hooked.
but he regretted, that he didn't treat me better in the past,
and that he was sorry.
i was half joyful and half sad.
tears start to roll down a little.
but i got a sudden shocking news from my friend,
that he met and accident and passed away.
and it was true..
i started to cry uncontrollably..
then he messaged me again.
he said,
don't sad, don't cry. silly girl.
and i got a feeling that someone is embracing me once again.
and that second,
i knew it was him.
all along,
he was right beside me..
and i woke up crying like it was real..
it was about 6 plus going on 7.
i kept reminding myself that it was just a dream..
but i can't stop crying..
i was really worried.
that something might happen to him.
i messaged den..
but he didn't reply.
and i couldn't get to sleep either.
i just cry on and on.
and then i decided to call shaun and meet him.
and at the usual place,
i told him what happened,
and he said that if time is up, no one can stop it from happening.
and a tears surround my eyes,
but didn't drop.
i was really very worried.
and went to work with puffy eyes.
hope that no one realized it.
it was really happening today.
first baby came to see me and shaun.
and then follow on,
milk came with a friend to eat.
and the others i shall not say.
but i when i on my laptop and the first one that i see popping up on my screen,
is u..
my worries had lessen..
a lot.
i had the urge to talk to u.
but i didn't.
so long i know that u are still living safely and normal,
i'm already somehow contented.
love..
I really wish that u know how much i miss u and love u.
i don't ask for the same.
but just to stay by your side.
don't have to meet everyday,
don't have to keep talking on the phone and messaging each other.
just once a week,
and i'll be contented.
but still..
I know that it wouldn't happen.
i died. 11:42 PM
Saturday, April 24, 2010
29th day..
today was rather great.
at first before i was at work..
or i should say before work start.
i was walking around alone..
and went for a stick or 2 by the 'shore'
sitting there emo and waiting for the time to pass.
was like so tired.
didnt feel like working.
but i dragged myself to work..
haha.
at first there wasnt much.
but then after a while..
things start to turn..
was in a little mess.
but great fun..
the adrenaline rush.
haa!
went for lunch alone.
and well..
it was somehow great to be a loner sometimes.
and then i talked to puite on the phone..
trouble with guys again.
but what to do?!
guys will be guys, no doubt.
and her situation made me think of mine somehow.
when i was in that position.
i know it sucks.
but then..
somehow again..
different in a sense.
=/
hard to explain, complicated & contradicting.
but i really miss those times..
at least i still can peep through the little window and look at u..
or see you walking away slowly with your back facing me.
still remember the last time i saw you.
and how much i really regretted.
been almost a month.
means i've loved u for about 9 months to be exact.
and in 2 days time..
it'll be start of the 10th month.
i didnt know that the feeling was so deep.
and i caught myself looking at kelvin's hands..
his hand's colour tone and all look almost like yours.
and i cant help from looking and thinking about you.
your touch and all.
really miss those times.
before the truth about me loving you is out.
at least i still can talk, joke and all to you.
and i remember when you hugged me.
warmth and butterflies fluttering in my stomach.
haix.
oh well..
tomorrow will be a better day..
i died. 1:02 AM
Friday, April 23, 2010
its the 28th day alrd.
and i've been at work for about 3 days.
things were working quite well at work.
ppl are all nice to me,
helping me and teaching me as i go.
and i learned a new thing everyday from chef frankie.
no doubt..
he is really a chef that got my full respect..
not only becox of the things that he can do with his magic hands.
but also the way he treats his boys and girls.
he is willing to teach as well.
guess i'll be sticking to him for 5 years.
haha.
at least thats what i've planned..
as usual..
everywhere i go..
scandals...
lol.
met this ah tan who lives near me..
and he's like a year younger than me..
but we went home tgt everyday after work.
or i should say that he sends me home every night after work.
been talking to him and he is a nice kid.
but he doesn't talk much. oh well.
he will after he is with shaun and me.
haha.
lols!
haix.
even after this 3 days of intense work,
i still cant seemed to get him off my mind..
i thought that i might just forget him maybe for the time being that i'm working.
but it doesn't seem like it.
i just miss him more.
and keep looking at the photo that we took last time during production.
even set it as my wallpaper.
=/
maybe that is what keeps me going.
your smile just makes my day.
i was really looking forward to nxt week.
when baka come with u to take his notes.
opps!
shh~~~~
not supposed to say..
but oh well.
i said it.
dun think u will noe.
keep thinking..
if i were to really see u..
what will i do?!
i really don't know.
i had something for u..
and i kept it for so long.
it has nv left my side until i decide to give it away.
i was looking at it after work..
and i was thinking about u all the time.
they all tell me to stop thinking..
but easier said than done.
haix.
but if i were to see u..
i will give it to u.
and maybe confess again.
though i alrd knew the ans.
but ya..
oh well.
work 2moro again.
will be hectic!
ALL THE WAY~~~
JIA YOU~~
CHIONG AH~~~~
i died. 1:28 AM
Monday, April 19, 2010
24th day since i saw him,
been raining this few days.
i'm somehow worried that he might get caught in the rain and got a cold or something like that,
or is his 'backache' still bothering him.
heard that he found a place alrd.
and that he will be starting 2moro.
i was elated & glad.
happy that he found a place,
glad that he was with baka bro.
which means i have a bro there to help me keep a look out for him.
hmmm.
praying hard for him to my ancestors and at the temple do work as well.
haa!!!
was really glad that his problems are solved.
thinking through about what someone has said before.
about not understanding why i would still want to go for it,
even knowing that it is not going to bear any fruits,
and after all that I've done,
my hard work will not get paid off.
and then,
later suffer in silence..
but come to think about it.
this is who I am..
its always the same thing that happens.
I'll always love and give and seldom take,
because there is no return or rather.
be it in the past, present, or future.
of course i would choose to make him happy first.
the only thing that has change is my view towards everything and my behavior.
in the past,
i was naive,
thinking that if i make everyone's day,
they will make mine too.
i was too out going.
and at first,
everyone did like me,
and we were a happy lot,
and i somehow got my love then.
but happy times don't last,
even before it has even really started.
losing everything in just a minute.
and was logo-ed as the vixen.
my click of girlfriends and even my bestie hated me.
for snatching away their love.
but i did nothing really.
i hadn't made the choice for them to like me.
loneliness and deep thoughts washed through me.
something that i learned,
being a loner will be a good choice,
and yes,
it did.
I'm strong, independent, more observant, calm, quiet and emo.
and most of all,
mature in the mind.
been through so much,
having seen that history does repeat itself.
and been through too many miseries more than happiness,
that i realized how weak human nature is.
always doing things for their own good.
and not bothering that it might hurt the others.
and when they got hurt,
they will think that why is it them?
but have they ever think about it?
no..
its simply karma.
a cycle..
and often,
they don't treasure or cherish what they have and what they are given.
they always learn to love and know the importance of it when they lose.
but this..
is human.
thats how cruel it is.
in life..
there are too many things.
too much that i have to think about.
and now that I've loved u.
i believe that this feeling will not be gone so soon.
though its only a one-sided love.
but it has been going on for about 8 months if I'm not wrong.
and next month,
will be the ninth.
too often that i loved,
i regretted not talking to u more often,
regretted not spending the time with u around wisely.
but if i were to see u again,
will i be able to hold u close?
i doubt.
guess i'll be the same.
and then regret again.
but one thing for sure.
each time i saw u..
i loved u more.
maybe i am stupid.
to always be helping him without him knowing.
but its all that i can do.
haix..
i missed you.
somehow hated myself for not able to speak to you even online.
i died. 6:50 PM
Friday, April 16, 2010
its 21 day since i saw him.
cant believe its so long.
i wonder how has he been doing lately.
i really miss him a lot.
i was so happy the other day.
that he replied me.
that day, its been about 14 days that i didn't see his msg.
even though it was just 3 msgs.
i'm already elated.
even words are hard to explain.
haix.
i just miss u even more.
i wish i could hug u tight,
or even just stay by your side doing nothing and just stare at u.
if only u know how i feel.
but i know,
even if u know,
u won't feel a thing,
simply because i meant nothing to u i guess.
but to me,
u meant more than anything.
i died. 11:00 PM
Monday, April 12, 2010
its the 17th day without u.
its horrible.
i did something really stupid.
cant believe i did that.
and all i could think of is u.
all that in my mind is u.
i was afraid of cockroaches,
but when i was waiting for the bus,
and a cockroach was just right at my foot,
i couldn't care any lesser.
it doesn't really matter that much.
i went to see your profile again.
and u said; Just simply let it go.
i start to wonder.
maybe it was for me.
are u telling me to let go?
its easier said than done.
sometimes,
i really don't know.
if u are a dream,
or reality.
yet again.
so near yet so far beyond reach.
if i had a chance.
to tell u in person,
that i love you.
i died. 12:57 AM
Saturday, April 10, 2010
its been quite some time since I've been online.
and its been 15 days since i saw u,
i wonder how u have been,
can't seem to get the image of u walking further and further away.
the image is still so vivid.
I've tried to keep in contact with u,
but u seemed to be avoiding me,
not replying me in msn or msgs.
i felt so devastated.
u could have just told me,
that I'm not fit,
or that u don't have any feeling for me,
then it will be easier for me.
to forget u,
to let u go.
but it's really hard.
that i love u so much.
sometimes.
i wonder.
if i really love u..
but..
i really don't know now.
i just know that i miss u dearly.
i died. 1:16 AM
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
its been almost 2 days since i came online,
feels like i was running away from the fact.
went to bugis and then suntec with my sis; lay yuan,
and we bought strawberries.
the strawberries were huge!
haha.
and i thought of him,
strawberries were his favorites.
and i know I'm being stupid,
i actually bought a pack for him.
and went over to food republic hoping that i could meet him there.
and i msged him to ask which was his shop.
but i waited and waited.
he didn't reply me.
i guess..
he was really avoiding me.
its been 12 days since i was able to see him.
i missed him a lot.
but i couldn't show it out,
nor could i post it out to let others see.
i can only post it here,
where i know that not many will visit.
definitely not him.
i guess it was true that the other time u told them that it was impossible.
i should just move on.
y didn't u just tell me that i can't stay by u?
instead,
u chose to ignore me.
u have no idea how much it hurts.
how much my heart bleeds.
and I've also thought it through,
i can love u forever,
or i will love u forever,
but it will be kept in my heart,
the darkest corner of it.
i really hope that u won't avoid me anymore.
and go back like last time.
but i know that it was impossible.
i died. 11:44 PM
Monday, April 5, 2010
it's the 10th day since i've seen u,
these 10 days are had for me.
idk how long do i have to be like this.
i plucked up the courage to talk to u,
but u didn't reply me.
is it that u were busy?
or is it that u just didn't want to talk to me.
i wanted to stop all this nonsense.
but how?
i wish to stop thinking about u.
they say that time heals all wounds,
yes.
maybe it does..
but it doesn't heal every thing,
the side effect is that it left scars,
scars that can never be erased.
should i be happy that i finally had the strength to let u go?
or maybe my mind is preoccupied by dramas and all?
i really don't know.
its like my brain is telling me that i don't love him anymore,
but my heart tells me that i loved him.
he is what i never knew i always wanted.
the worst mistake is to hold on to someone who doesn't want to be held on to.
i don't understand,
why do i love u so deeply?
why am i affected by u?
u know..
every time i see u smile and know that it was not for me,
thats when my heart aches like its been stabbed a feel times,
& thats when i miss u the most.
i died. 11:09 PM
Sunday, April 4, 2010
another day has almost come to an end,
night has fall upon us again.
again,
I'm just waiting for the right time to come,
crashing me with loneliness.
went swimming with jac today.
it has been a very long time since i went to swim.
and today its really..
relaxing.
how strange..
i felt that I'm somehow connected to water.
whenever i swim and go under the water,
its like it was my..
home.
and i loved going to my favorite spot,
looking at the sea,
every time i had the urge to just jump down and into the underwater world.
its the 9th day since i saw u.
the vision of u walking away is still so vivid in my mind.
even what u were wearing.
its been about 3 days,
and u were back in town again.
when i saw your name,
or should i say saw u online,
i was..
happy..
knowing that u were close.
or rather.
i wanted to talk to u,
but i was afraid,
afraid of what i don't know.
maybe i was afraid to annoy u,
to spoil your mood from the trip.
the clock just keeps on ticking,
what am i really waiting for?
i guess its the darkness, cold, miserable, &
loneliness.
i saw 11:11,
does it shows that u are missing me?!
i hope.
but i guess not.
i guess i've really changed a lot,
did i?
my close friends..
they said i became more like a loner,
someone so emo.
not like i used to be.
and i thought so too.
for some reasons,
i loved to be alone but not lonely.
unfortunately,
i got both.
here.
i wanted to say a sorry to those whom i have neglected,
and someone especially rose,
sorry that our friendship has turned out this way,
maybe this is the best way for us.
but i really treasure our past memories.
thank u for everything.
i died. 11:27 PM
it hasn't been a day and i've already posted 2 times.
and this,
is the 3rd time.
=/
idk y.
but it seems like today is so.....
long...
i thought that days has passed.
and then i came to see my blog again.
and realized that it was the same day.
24 hours now seem so long.
y do i miss u so much?
it's been about 2 days that u r not in town.
i really hoped that u had fun and relaxed with your friends .
omg.
ok.
idk what I'm typing now actually.
I'm like just blabbering non stop.
i just miss him dearly.
ok.
it's now a new day.
and i guess he's coming back today or so.
i wonder when i'll be able to see him.
or will i?
if i ever meet him somewhere.
i swear i wont just walk away.
or just look at him walking away from me.
at least i'll do something that i won't let that chance slip away.
or would i?
its really had to say.
haix.
i wish i was sitting by the shores again.
my favorite spot.
let the wind blow away my loneliness.
idk y.
everyday.
when night falls,
loneliness crawls and falls upon me.
i'll be sitting alone in the room at the back and looking at the four walls & the ceiling,
my mind goes blank,
and things start to flash in my mind.
not very clear though,
the only thing that is clear,
is u.
and most of the images,
is u.
and then my mind will go blank again.
idk y.
its like,
im so used to being alone,
and i soon start to like being alone.
or i should say being alone at my favorite spot.
sitting down there doing nothing.
it was a great pleasure.
and i realized that my mind aged a lot.
i don't like the city.
i liked the night pub though.
or rather.
haha.
ok.
i'm blabbering nonsense again.
i died. 12:25 AM
Friday, April 2, 2010
went to east coast with datou.
and sitting at my favorite spot where i could feel the breeze on my face
and enjoy the view.
let the wind take me away.
looking far away into the sea,
i felt calm and peacefulness wash over me.
listening to my music,
just adds on to my mood at that moment.
I've enjoyed very much,
i laid down on my back,
looking at the sky,
so broad,
its almost like u could stretch out your hands and touch the sky,
but when u reach out for it.
its beyond reach.
so near yet so far.
just like u..
looking far away..
i thought to myself,
u might be already at your destination or you were near.
the view over there must be fascinating.
and i let my mind wonder.
u might be far away.
but the wind that blew on my face,
is the same wind that kissed on your face;
the sky that i was admiring,
is the same sky that you will be admiring;
the air that I'm breathing,
is the same air that he's breathing.
i miss him a lot.
and i hope he is doing fine,
safe and sound.
and thank datou.
for accompanying me to east coast.
i know you are bored dead.
hahaha.
