2 months, 2 weeks & 5 days.
how long have i been keeping track of this..
how much longer do i have to keep track of this?!
this 2 days haven been good for me.
1st..
i failed my test..
2nd..
work have not been smooth for me.
getting more and more stressed..
i don't know if i could be able to hold on to this stress any longer.
but a part of me is trying so hard.
so hard to want to improve myself.
and prove to people around me that i can make it.
but another part of me is giving up.
giving up being strong.
i might look strong on the outside.
too often that i stand strong alone to face all that.
too often that i always appear to be the protector of my girl friends.
too often that i showed that somethings that guys can do,
girls can do it too.
and too often that i tried to hold everything on my shoulders..
that i'm like a guy.
but deep down..
i'm tired.
i'm still only a girl.
a weakling.
stupid & slow.
good for nothing.
for so many times.
i wish that i could have someone i love to lean on.
to feel the love.
to feel that i'm not alone.
to feel that i'm just like any other normal girls.
walking on the street and hanky panky with their boyfriends.
but all these are just wishful thoughts.
thoughts that will never fulfill.
in the kitchen,
as the only girl..
i was well treated.
but still.
high hopes was bestowed on me.
i have to be fast & accurate.
i have to remember recipes.
remember the tastes.
know how to fluctuate the tastes of different things.
but i'm slow in nature.
i'm forgetful.
though i tried very hard in the mind.
still i cant remember.
and was thought that my mind was clouded with him.
yes.
a part of my mind is..
but its was at the back of my mind.
didn't really think much about him when i'm doing my thing.
i'm just..
slow..
i wished i was that fast.
and i was that good enough.
but my brain doesn't work that way.
guess it really doesn't work.
it might as well be a brain dead.
that way..
i would just lie on the bed forever.
in the afternoon,
i messaged him..
he was at his grandma's place.
we chat for awhile.
and i somehow 诉苦 to him.
and he comforted me.
for a moment.
i felt that i wasn't alone.
that i was leaning against him.
that he was there for me.
but then it vanished.
just like that.
and back to square 1.
i wasn't that delighted like before.
when we chat.
guess i'm just stressed.
looking at daddy's face.
and he too was tired.
of teaching me.
he was 'pek cek'
and that split second,
i really do feel like giving up.
to save all that torture.
to him and to me.
but then..
i wanted to strive for it.
i wanted to be good enough.
to be good enough in the kitchen.
to be good enough for him.
to be good enough that i can survive on my own.
but i feel that i can't make it.
i'm just another stupid and stubborn good for nothing.
no look,
no figure,
no skill,
no money,
not lady like,
and a girl that wasn't good enough for anyone that she loves.
a fragment piece from a broken glass.
that doesn't belong.
i died.
12:06 AM
