原来我终究还是一个人

Monday, May 31, 2010

2 months and 4 days.

these 2 days is like.. haggard.

been working full shift..

and grandma got into hospital..

i was like so worried..

was so down the whole day..

and even cried for a few times.

until i went over to see her.

she looked...

weak..

just las thursday i went over to see her..

and then yesterday she was so sick..

thank god that it wasnt really much of a sickness.

that she is still...

normal..

if not,

i don't even know how i could survive without her.

been so long since i saw him..

went to his profile..

and i saw..

he said that

'Seeing each and everyone of my cousins getting married, is it time i should tie a knot too'

and my heart goes up and down..

does it mean that he had someone in mind already?

do i still stand a chance?

guess not ba.

it took me great effort to try not to think about him much already..

and i did it..

but then..

when i see him or his picture and all..

i'll be back to square one..

i wonder how long this will go on..

i'm really tired already..

tired of all this..

i really wish to settle down.

with him if we have got fate.

i really miss him a lot.

i really do..

i died.
1:17 AM

Thursday, May 27, 2010

i died.
1:49 AM

its been 2 months exactly..

everyday passes just so fast..

that i almost couldn't get hold of it.

i still miss him dearly..

maybe more..

sis told me about the accident that happened in chinese garden just now.

and immediately,

i thought about the dream i had the other time.

about him..

that he met and accident and was dead.

thinking about it.

i almost tear..

but it was held back..

because i knew..

that it will never come true.

a dream will always be a dream.

met pek for my lunch today.

miss her so much..

talked...

but there clearly wasn't enough time!

well..

we still have other time..

and its very coincident..

that when i was on my way to work.

and i met jac.

haha. funny..

we have something called telepathy..

haix.

i wonder why i'm still waiting for him..

why i still loved him..

but i will wait..

and concentrate more on my career.

after 1 year of internship..

maybe i will stand a chance.

to hold him in my arms.

to kiss him on his lips.

and to look at him in the eyes.

i died.
1:14 AM

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

i died.
1:43 AM

right..

its my birthday today...

but well. seems like any other day to me though.

nth much change..

just the age and people wishing me happy birthday.

but..

thanks too all those that wished me.

i really appreciate that.

and i was so thrilled..

that he wished me too.

didn't really expect that.

but i was happy.

that can keep me alive longer..

and for a moment..

i thought i was crazy.

because i replied him.

and said thanks love.

opps!

but yeah.

it was from the bottom of my heart.

thank my dad for making the effort to ordering the cake for me.

i thought i didn't really care.

but he cared.

and my family..

it was heart warming.

but somehow.

something was missing.

the heart warming feeling..

i was somehow the 1 who hold it there.

well.

its been like that.

but i was happy that we all could sit down like that as a family.

which didn't occur for like so long..

that it feels like a decade.

thanks wafi for dropping by to wish me..

and gave me the donut..

almost cried.

but yeah.

i'm touched.

thanks milk and shaun for calling up to wish me.

thanks all those who wished me happy birthday.

right.

its a month and 3 weeks.

can't believe time passed so fast.

everyday i just missed u like any other day.

my feelings never change a bit.

maybe it got stronger.

haix.

but him wishing me happy birthday.

was the best birthday gift i had this year.

thanks love.

i died.
1:36 AM

Friday, May 14, 2010

a month, 2 weeks, & 3 days.

early in the morning diarrhea!!

thought that when i go out of house and i will be alright.

but then.....

went to work.

and within like 2 hours,

i went to the toilet for like 2 times.

and my hands and legs are weak!

don't even feel like having a stick!

tahan till about 4 plus and went off.

took a stick and messaged den..

and then he called.

they were having break,

and den was like whispering to me.

so i guess he was beside.

and of course i asked about how he was doing and all.

told den that i really missed him a lot.

more than anything that I've ever missed.

he said i was crazy.

oh well.

maybe i am..

for the love of my heart.

i don't mind being crazy for him.

heard that he is doing fine.

and i know that too.

but i'm still worried somehow.

talking to den is like talking to my brother.

felt so comfortable talking to him.

esp when i talk about joe.

like i don't really have to hide any feelings at all.

but the talk didn't last long though.

a few minutes.

but it was enough somehow.

at the very least,

i got to know that HE was taking a nap.

poor love.

he must be tired.

saw him online till very late.

and guess what.

i just saw him online when i talk about him.

is this fate?

no..

its just my wishful thinkings.

haix.

he should be on his bed already.

hope that he don't get drained.

had a surprise just now.

ah hong sent me a facebook message!!

that fella went mia for so long..

finally appear.

haha. and we sms for a while.

ok.

just 2 messages.

but he was a good friend though.

haa.

oh.

and pk came today.

was happy to see her.

but went off like 5 minutes later.

will we meet again?!

YES!! =D

touched by shaun..

he treats me very well.

so glad that i had a brother like him..

that takes care of me..

never really that someone takes care of me like that.

hopefully he won't leave me like how asher did.

it was painful.

hope that history don't repeat.

working tomorrow again!

just hoping that it will be smooth and i recover by tomorrow.

ok..

i miss damn a lot of people now.

I MISS joe!!!!!

I MISS audrey!!

I MISS jac!!

I MISS pk!!

I MISS puite!!

I MISS chris!!

I MISS wafi!!

I MISS pek!!

I MISS sheng yi!!

I MISS datou & click!!

I MISS den!!

I MISS ah jie -lay yuan!!

I MISS dai lou - ah leong!!

I MISS so much that can't be listed all out.

but guys!!! you know that i miss you all.

and you know who you are.

so if you happened to see this post and your name is not here.

don't be disheartened..

because doesn't mean your name is not written,

i don't miss you.

but the fact is that.

I MISS YOU TOO!!!

ok.

i'm mad!!

miss love dearly.

if only i could hold him tight.

and take him as my pillow.

heh.

i think too much.

opps.

right.

lastly.

MY BIRTHDAY IS THIS COMING TUESDAY!!!!!

but seems like any other day.

oh well.

at least i'm legal now.

haha.

and before my birthday is here.

here is a sneak peek to my photoshoot pictures.

haha.

don't look like me..

i know.

i died.
12:53 AM

Thursday, May 13, 2010

its a month and 2 weeks and 2 days.

time really flies.

called den yesterday.

and asked den about him..

he was alright.

still the same perhaps.

i wonder if things were really alright for him.

worried about a lot of stuff about him.

when i sleep, i worried if he was asleep and whether he had his blanket on.

when i woke up, i worried if he had got enough sleep.

when i eat, i worried if he had taken his meal and whether he had taken his fill.

when i was working and got hurt somehow,

i worried if he got hurt as well.

when it rains, i worried if he was caught in a rain and if he was warm enough to not get a flu.

when the weather got hot,

i worried if he had enough water to keep himself cool.

and it goes on and on..

everyday, every minute, every second.

seems like everything links to him.

too often when i stare faraway,

and thinks begin to flash in my mind.

images about him, him, and still him...

and many many times in a month or so..

i dream of him..

and too often when i dream,

i mixed up a little,

between dreams and reality,

it all seem so real..

my dreams seem too real that i thought it was true.

but in reality,

sometimes i wonder if it did happen or was it just my hallucination.

i couldn't explain why, or how..

just confused.

days went by and passes so fast..

that my visions blurred,

and memories failed me..

i know that u have rejected me in a way that wasn't too harsh.

but sometimes,

i wished that u do it the harsher way.

maybe it will be easier for me to let go.

but since i loved u so..

deeply.

perhaps its hard.

but..

i still got the blue for u.

my heart still beats for u.

my face still blush for u.

i still stutter for u.

i still care for u.

and i still love u.

i died.
1:06 AM

Thursday, May 6, 2010

a month and 10th days.

realized how fast time passes.

days and days.

just went on and on.

tickling non stop.

people always say, time will come or bla bla bla~

but little did they realize how fast time is tickling away.

time don't wait for anyone.

and often,

i regretted.

for waiting for the right time.

what is the right time then?

and i regretted not acting at that moment.

because there is no right or wrong time.

the only time that is real,

is the time that u did something.

thinking back,

if i were to run up to u and hug u,

what will happen next?

will things be the same?

will we be together or will u just tell me to scram?

and sometimes i wonder,

why am i still waiting,

for someone that is not for me,

for something that does not belong to me,

but this is just how it is.

to be or not to be.

its predestined.

maybe our time is not yet to be here,

or maybe,

u r just not for me.

if u were to tel me straight that we are just not to be,

maybe i'll not wait.

but that love is still there,

and will be kept deep inside.

and too often when my mind is wondering about,

things starts appearing and flash backs,

and i thought.

how pathetic humans are.

selfish creatures.

although we are warm blooded,

but we are far worse than cold blooded creatures.

at least those creatures eat for the sake of eating,

life was much more simple for them.

no politics.

but humans,

we eat for the sake of eating,

make a living for the sake of living,

but our mind is horrendous.

we thought too much..

and thats how bribes, jealousy, etc comes by.

life is fair,

but humans aren't.

i died.
2:05 AM

Monday, May 3, 2010

a month and a week.

days passed just like that.

everyday was almost the same.

work, harris bar, sleep.

but tomorrow will be different.

haha.

meeting up with chris, wafi.

maybe dropping by to see grandma,

& swimming with jac.

what a day!

haha. looking forward.

but..

will i be shag?!

hope not.

and on Wednesday...

weijie will be coming to find me!!

haha.

been so long since we meet up.

almost forgot how he looked like.

opps.

had a chat with qing just now.

and she told me a story.

that god once hold her hands and tel her,

don't have to find love,

and love will come to you.

if you don't think about love,

your love will soon come to you.

somehow,

i agreed.

but its so hard to even not think about him for a sec,

or maybe a day.

let alone forgetting him.

maybe i would.

but not so soon.

people always come to know how to cherish,

until they really lose it.

maybe,

someday,

when I'm gone,

then he will realize.

and by then,

will my love for him come back?

or its time for him to have a taste of his own medicine.

but I'd rather be the one suffering.

than seeing him in pain like i do.

i know how much it hurts.

to be in a situation like this.

knowing that u can't be the one to make him smile,

knowing that you can't have that person,

but at the same time,

deceiving yourself that maybe he just needs some time,

because he didn't tel you how he really feels,

that he didn't reject or accept.

deceiving yourself that now is not the time yet,

its more crucial for us to concentrate on studies and career.

but all that and all that.

in the end.

I already knew the answer.

that he's just not that into me.

that even time can't really develop.

but i still can't forget him.

simply love him.

more than i thought i have.

or maybe i just treasure him too much,

because i don't want to leave any regrets.

losing your loved ones is painful.

maybe because I've lost too much,

therefore i treasure each and every one individually.

i died.
2:15 AM

Sunday, May 2, 2010

been a month and start of the 6th days.

today was quite hectic.

was somehow so tired that i didn't wake up on time.

and i drag myself to work.

and learned a few stuff today.

but was quite pek cek.

like so busy!

i was running about and screaming and shouting.

during break time,

jac and the others came.

and sad.

tony never come.

miss pinching him so much!

haha.

been cutting my finger so frequently..

and its always the same finger!

grr.

wth!!!

and i think its a little sensitive..

should see a doc soon.

stupid finger.

miss him badly.

tried to ask him about his work,

and whether he it is tiring or not.

like just as a friend.

but he didn't reply.

guess he is annoyed my me.

haix.

i really miss him alot.

many many times a day..

i almost gone crazy.

many many times a day,

i felt like hugging him tightly.

if only i could hug him.

even for just 1 last time.

i died.
1:59 AM