原来我终究还是一个人

Monday, March 29, 2010

idk wat has got into me.

this few days, my mood is just not right.

things has changed drastically,

or maybe its just my mind that is doing all those.

my apologies to sis.

i couldn't face u this few days.

but i promise i will find u on thursday.

im sorry because if i were to go find u, im afraid i will break down.

because in front of u, i don't know how to retaliate my own feelings.

im afraid i might do something again.

something stupid, like msging him again.

if its possible between me and him, he would have reacted long ago alrd.

what im doing now,

will only make him feel irritated and annoyed.

no matter how much i wanted to,

i cannot.

because i'd rather leave the impression that i wasn't an annoying gal,

than being an irritating gal.

i guess i have to let go,

no matter how much i don't feel like,

i just have to force myself a bit.

because i love him,

that's why i let him go.

but he took my heart away,

he didn't return it to me,

im just an empty shell on the outside.

oh well,

this suits my blog as well.

'empty-hearted'

i'm sorry sis.

i really hope u understand how i feel.

i'll be going out with pk and my 1 other guy friend for this 2 days.

and try to be happy with them.

to find myself.

as in my old self.

and i will go back to u.

please don't be angry with me.

i just need time.

i died.
9:39 PM

Sunday, March 28, 2010

i would have never thought,

the person who hurt me the most,

would be the person i loved the most.

i dont understand,

why we dont walk away from a painful situation.

even though we know it will eventually pass.

even if we cant go back and change the past,

but at least we're still breathing,

our life still belongs to us.

the only thing we can look after,

is our own heart.

its been a day.

that sch is finally over.

went to chamber 82 with chris, wayne, edmund(wayne's fren)

and 1 other whom i forgot the name.

the night slipped away very quickly.

me and chris almost finished the tower when they got back from dinner.

and we went to sit outside the pub for a break.

and then,

2 guys came up to us to make frens.

and i got to know a guy named sean.

he was a nice guy.

mixed chi & indian.

but his parents were both mixed too.

so its complicated.

he is hot somehow.

and he is gentle and showed some care.

but,

every sec.

all that is in my head is him.

i wanted very much to ask him face to face.

but couldnt find a chance.

if he would just come out,

and talk to me face to face.

idk.

when i heard stories,

im really hurt.

my heart is aching and shatters from the inside.

tears rolled down.

but i smiled to myself.

at least i know how he feels.

sis told me,

dun listen to wat others say.

i hav to listen it from him.

from his mouth,

face to face.

i was afraid.

idk y.

maybe im afraid of rejections.

or maybe i alrd knew the truth, just that i dun wanna face it.

i wanted to pluck up the courage to go find him.

and sort it out.

but.

will he run away?

i bet so.

even if i saw him,

what am i going to say to him?

what am i going to ask?

will i stutter?

or will i be dumb founded?

idk.

i died.
9:41 PM

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

ok.

its been really long since i post.

ya. again.

been like so busy studying nowadays.

and well.

first day of exams

SUCKS!

i think that i cannot really make it this time though.

and ya.

i did something stupid again.

i confessed once again.

oh well.

since its only 5 days away.

i might as well just tel u.

and after i told u,

i felt..

light..

relieved..

and ofcox..

i leave no regrets.

I love you. =]

watever the ans is.

i'll take it.

becox i dun put much hope.

ofcox i wan a good ans.

but i noe wat the ans will be alrd.

oh well.

i died.
12:08 AM

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

its been so long since i've been updating.

days pass so fast.

in just a blink of eyes,

2 weeks has passed.

or rather,

in just 2 weeks..

we'll all be out of sch for internship.

such a strange feeling though.

having the thought of not needing to attend sch anymore,

its just a pleasure.

but come to think of it,

all those times spent in class with my classmates,

for 1 year.

happiness, disagreements, fun and laughter.

i will miss those times.. =D

and thinking back..

i will also miss those days when i used to walk pass your class,

and peep through the door's window.

i remember how i used to see u wearing your specs,

listening attentively to class;

at times, u will bite your nails.

and then i will laugh to myself, and whisper to myself :

'(smile~) there u go again. your little bad habit'

and i'll continue to stare at u;

sometimes, u will be gambling;

and sometimes u will be slping.

seeing u in your dreams,

u look so much more like a child.

forgetting all your worries and your forehead cease into a plane,

and i will scrutinize your face;

your eased forehead, your thick eyebrows,

your closed eyes with those curved dark lashes,

your high bridged nose,

your alluring lips.

the way u slp, is just so perfect.

although the theory, no 1 is perfect,

but in my eyes, u are..

many many many times in a day or even an hour,

i just feel like hugging u tight.

but i chose to hold myself tgt from making that mistake,

always hoping that u will be the 1 who wants to hug me.

but its just my wishful thinking.

i rmb how your hug made me feel so secure.

but now,

i wonder if it was my hallucination.

becox it seemed like a dream to me,

a dream that was so real,

but..

it seems like it didnt really exist.

i died.
9:03 PM

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

yesterday i chatted with xueqing on msn..

its like everytime when she's on9..

we will hav de same topic.

and yesterday..

he was on9 till very late.

and den he posted somthing on his wall.

he said ' a stop where happiness can be found'

and xueqing actually went to comment on it.

de conversation goes like this:

qing - happiness just beside u if u open your eyes.. whahahaha.

; and which stop

joe: my eyes are wide open, time/fate depends

qing - haha. good good.

joe: a secret where only my heart will find it.

qing - oh.. i tot which stop. dont anyhow stop oso ar. hahaha.

& de conversation stop rite dere.

wat does this mean anw..

does it mean tat i hav a chance?

r u referin to me?

or izzit other people?

im really confused.

everytime when i tok to puite ( my pri fren)

i'll miss u dearly and wanna hug u tight.

and will fantasize again. =/

rite. maybe im sick in de mind.

hahaha.

oh well.

just gotta wait.

and mean while..

~study study study~

i died.
11:24 AM

Monday, March 1, 2010

haix.

i think i've really gone abit crazy..

these 2 days i have been actin like a crazy woman.

idk y oso.

maybe its becox of all de stress that made me lose control.

but some say im just tryin to be happy.

i guess so ba.

2day.. went sch and walked passed his class.

he was slpin soundly like a baby.

maybe its de only time when he look so innocent and more dashin than b4..

becox its de only time where all his worries r temporally gone..

and worries that ceased his forehead eased away.

i stopped but all to look again at u..

my feet r nailed to de ground.

not wantin to move away from that angelic scene.

i scrutinized his face for a little while.

and smiled to myself.

i heard stories abt u.

and i wasnt afraid.

i still..

loved u.

but i wish to help.

but idk how.

if only u would let me in.

but i noe.

u wont let me in.

maybe u r afraid.

maybe u dun hav any feelin for me.

maybe u dun wanna hurt me.

dere is just so much maybe.

and i realized 2day.

that i might hav feelin for some1else.

some1 whom is not accepted by de society.

a gal...

idk y.

but its just a crush.

maybe its becox guys make me too tired.

too tired to run towards them.

becox they ran too fast.

too hard to catch up with.

haix.

everytime im on de edge on givin up..

u will appear and pull me back.

maybe u didnt do it on purpose.

but de little things u do...

makes me wonder.

and ur smile..

gives me de wings to fly..

did i care too much for u?

did i worry too much for u?

maybe..

but i nv really show it out.

maybe i did.

but u didnt noe.

all i can do..

is to ask frens that r around u to help.

to look out for u.

but thats all i can do.

tats how i show my love.

w/o lettin u noe.

maybe its de best way.

i died.
11:11 PM