原来我终究还是一个人

Sunday, January 24, 2010

2day didnt felt like goin out, not even steppin out of this hse or even my room. i just felt like stayin in my bed de whole day.. and lock de door.. dun even want to eat or drink or wadeva for all i care. abt 10plus am, i got a call tat woke me up from my beauty slp. at first i tot hu would it be and i didn't regconise de no. it took me awhile to pick it up. i was a little shocked when i knew hu was tat. it was jia wen's aunt and at tat moment i knew something was not rite. despite havin de cold war with her, i dun deny tat i was worried sick. i got to noe tat she went missin after mingsiang's bd on fri at abt midnight. havin known tat, i was abit relieved. i tot she had an accident or something like tat. i wasn't tat worried not becox i dun care. but i seemed to noe where she was.. i knew tat she must hav been stayin at jun jie's place. i knew her too well. and her aunt called me later to tel me tat they found her. ofcox, i told audrey abt it.. and then i called her again after a while. i was really really really disappointed.. u might not wanna change ur fuckin attitude for us, nvm.. its alright.. becox afterall, ur 'bf' i much more important to u. but seriously. sometimes i really feel like slappin out some sense from u. wat have u become?! i dun mind tat u r a bitch. but i feel tat u r not just tat anymore.. i can accept tat u r a bitch. but u r changin into a slut. im sorry if my words r too harsh.. i dunno wat other words tat i could use on u. u actually went to stay at his place for abt 2 days and u didn't tel any1 or inform ur parents abt it. do u noe how worried ur family are?! i dunno whether to say tat u r still not mature enuf or to say tat u r just plain selfish. u noe tat ur mom is pregnant and still have to tend to a stall and she still hav to take care of ur little baby brother although u hav a maid to look after him. despite all these.. u still wanted her to worry for u.. can u use ur brain to think?! do u think tat she hav de time and all to worry for u?! y didn't u think for ur family. or izzit tat all u wan is to stay and fuck with him and think tat he is ur god when he wasn't even ur bf yet.. he is just some1 whom u know for only a few months and becox of him, u can sacrifice ur so called besties and even ur family. i really dun wanna say this. but u r really gettin cheap. i noe i cant interfere with ur life.. but really.. is this de path tat u chose? do u really wanna ruin urself? y cant u treat urself better i meant by ur body. y do u hav to let those filthy guys dirty u like tat. i didnt mean tat havin sex was wrong or dirty. but sex was somethin u do with de 1 u really love most and trusted most and ofcox, u noe him inside out and noe tat after u gave it to him, he wouldn't leave u. sex was a pledge for love do u noe tat. guys wouldnt think it tat way i noe. it was just a moment of pleasure for them. but idk how u can let them. or maybe u r enjoyin tat. do u noe tat they'll just dump u and tel their frens abt it. and ppl will think tat u r just a needy little whore. i noe tat if u were to see this, u'll probably be fucked up and anted to tell de whole world how ungratedful and how 'sisterhood' i was.. well go ahead. becox i dun care abt all these.. u can tarnish my name and everything, but ppl hu noe me.. they'll noe tat im not like tat. im sayin all this is becox i did treat u like sisters.. u were once my everything. de one i cared for de most.. but i cant seem to see it now. somehow or rather, i regretted. regretted treatin u so nice. becox i didnt really feel r love for me. im no a les. de love i was sayin was sisters love. i felt tat u just treated me like some1 whom u will look for when u r in need. like in sec sch, u'll only find me when u need to borrow money frm me durin recess.. and call me up whenever u r sad or wadeva. everytime we go out, tel me.. when hav we done gal's stuff tgt b4? dere will always be a 3rd party. if dere isnt.. we'll be chillin at some place doin nth. maybe some chattin.. but its always u hu is doin de talkin.. u nv listen.. if i were to ask u wat do u noe abt me? do u noe wat things has happened on me? i bet u dont. becox u dont even noe anything abt my work. all u noe is de 'workplace' tat i brought u to de other time. u always wanted to be de lead.. and i let u.. u asked me out.. i will find a suitable time.. but i will nv skip sch just for de sake of goin out with u.. frens would wan u to skip sch for them.. and whenever i tel u tat i dun wanna go out and tat im really tired and sick.. u will always try to force me. u might not think it as forcin.. but to us.. it was.. tat was de reason y i lied. i noe tat being sisters, we shouldnt lie.. but i had no other choice, u wouldnt listen.. u wouldn't hav let me off and u wouldnt understand. and dun tel me tat u didnt lie to be abt a single thing. u can say u nv. but u noe it urself deep down inside. im really really disappointed in u.. when i noe how u responded when audrey was talkin ur sense out, i really gave up on u.. it just shows how foolish we r to be worried abt u.. and i m not like last time. if u finally come to ur senses.. we wont be dere anymore... and my mom as usual.. she is lazy herself but says tat we r lazy.. sometimes i really feel like slappin her ut of her senses.. y cant she just understand and noe tat im really tired.. she doesn't noe wat kind of fucking stuff happened on me.. and now she is on de fone with one of her busybody frens talkin abt how lazy we r.. and complainin abt us. and den when she hung up de fone.. she come back to us and complain to us her tat fren tat wanted to borrow some cash from her.. i was like.. dots.. since she is like tat.. den dun fren lol. still act as if she is ur good fren on de fone.. and tell her things abt us.. degradin us.. and sayin tat she could just leave us like tat.. lols. idk y im so hot tempered now or y im so furious abt this. maybe becox of her actions tat reminds me of some1. hypocrite. but well. wadeva. she's my mom afterall.. i might hate her now, this moment. but i still cared more than i hate her.

i died.
6:47 PM